For the Lives of Prison Wives

prison

When Things Get Hot in the Kitchen

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Hello I’m a prison wife, I’m telling my story on how I met my husband to be. In 2018, I applied for a food service job at a prison. During orientation we were told the do’s and dont’s of the job. Some of us listened while some of us didn’t.  Who knew it would get “hot in the kitchen?”

I was one of the ones who listened and had every intention of just going to work to get a pay check. Here I was a single woman that hadn’t been with anyone for three years.  Now all of the sudden I’m working around hundreds of men!  Unfortunately but fortunately, there was one man that caught my eye.    As soon as he walked in we locked eyes which made me feel wanted again, he gave me butterflies, I couldn’t stop thinking about this man!  I told my best friend about him and I started to pick up all the overtime I could just to be around this man.  After talking to him, I eventually found out that his feelings were mutual even though he was much younger than me. That didn’t matter and I still fell head over heals for him. For him my age didn’t matter he loved me for me and I didn’t care that he was in prison. I loved him for him! He made me feel happy, wanted, and like a woman. He never told me things I wanted to hear only things I needed to hear.  Things to make me better.

I never thought it was possible to love again. He easily broke that wall down. It was something about him, he was hungry for my attention so I gave it all to him but we had to be careful because it could have gotten us in trouble. We talked when we could. I remember the first time we kissed it sent butterflies in my stomach but it only lasted a couple of seconds because we didn’t want to get caught.

We were always sneaking around every chance that was given until one day I was pulled into the office and told that I was being watched. I was asked questions about my lover.  I was asked if I was having relations with him. I denied everything to keep my job and to see him. Sometimes I wondered if I was crazy.  My best friend told me I was crazy! Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be dating a 32 year old african american prisoner.  I am a 47 years old caucasian woman. He is still serving time. Some of my co-workers gave me a hard time about our relationship and of course rumors were going around. I didn’t pay them any attention, all I wanted was to be around him even if it was across the kitchen. He was more than just a prisoner to me and I was more than just a woman to him.

I spent many of times in the officeI being questionned by administration. I just kept denying everything. My co- workers liked my man and they would try to pick fights with me to get me to quit my job. I just ignored all of it. There were other co-workers that were sneaking around also but I was the only one being watched. I ended up purchasing a prepaid phone with different number so that we could talk without it getting traced. We talked a lot when I wasn’t working. My man ended up getting caught with marijuana.  They sent him to the hole and they investigated me which led to me being terminated.

It was two months before I heard from him again. When I finally did he said they were moving him to another prison. We wrote letters back and forth for two more months. Finally, he called! I was so happy to hear his voice that I cried. From there on out we talked on the phone. I never forgot about him and he never forgot about me.

In the beginning of 2019 he put me on his visitation list and now I go visit him twice a month. We have talked for awhile about getting married since our love for each other has grown so strong over the year.  We have had a lot of struggles during this process and it has cost us a lot of money.  Neverthlesss, next month, we will be getting married!! It’s not the wedding we have dreamed of because he is still in prison but we want to make our love known to each other. After we get married we are hoping to start the process of him being released.  To be continued …

We Made It!! Fourteen Years Through the Wall!!

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Wowwww!!!! What a day!!!! We Made it!!! Our family has been waiting for this day like forever!! So by now you already know my husband was sentenced to 22.5 years in prison. Due to a change in the law, All Drugs Minus Two orchestrated by Families Against Mandatory Minimums ~ FAMM, his sentence was reduced!!  He’ll get even less halfway house time due to the First Step Act also one of FAMM’s initiatives. 

One More Day and A Wake Up! 

So let me rewind to how we prepared for this day. I had a tough decision to make…Did I want to pick my husband up alone and let this be our moment, or did I want to include the rest of our family to witness this day we’ve all been waiting for? You know, I love my Mom and Dad!! I can honestly say we were truly blessed to have their support throughout this whole ordeal. I may be my husband’s ride or die but they are my ride or dies!! For real!!  For real!!! I’ve met so many prison wives who don’t have the support of their family which makes the journey even more difficult.

When the day was approaching, my mom told me she wanted to go. I knew my son wanted to go, but my emotionless daughter (she gets it from her momma… lol) put up a front like she didn’t want to go. Of course I knew better. My dad, well,  now that I’m thinking about it his reaction is emotionless too! So, I really had no clue if he wanted to go or not.

Deep down My Mister wanted me to come alone but when I told him my mom wanted to be there he was like ok! Well, we can’t say no to Ma and Dad! Our time is coming.

My nervousness had calmed down the closer the day got to my husband being released. Me and the kids packed everything he needed for the halfway house the night before. We did the best we could guesstimating since we didn’t know his actual size and packed some foods we thought he’d like. I told my daughters I felt like I was packing for a college dorm room! They stayed awake while I tried to get some sleep. Our communication had been cut off for three days. So all I could do was imagine how he was feeling knowing he would be free the next morning.

The Wake Up!

We woke up at 4:00 am to get ready for our new beginnings!! We arrived thirty minutes early at the prison. I can’t believe he had the nerve to tell me he wanted me there thirty minutes early because he thought I might be late!! Really Bae, Really? Did he really not know how long I’ve waited for this day?!?!  Did he really think I would be late for his freedom?

Once we arrived, we sat in the truck all giddy.  We passed the time by cracking on each other, laughing, and trying to predict how all of this was going to play out.   We started to question should we just continue to sit or do we let the Base workers know that we were there to pick up someone being released. I couldn’t take any chances messing anything up so I walked to the guard and she told me to be looking out for a van that would come to our parking lot to drop my husband off.

It’s now 7:45 am!! We only had 15 more minutes!! Every white van that drove by had us nervous!! We would watch the van pull up, get nervous and excited, and then watch the van drive off the base. This went on for the next 30 mins. We finally saw a van pull up and turn into our parking lot!! I think we all went silent for a few seconds as we watched the van pull into the parking lot and the doors fly open!!

Free At Last!!

Oh My God!!! Oh My God!!! One man stepped out the van with his gear and then my Mister stepped out!!!!! We ran through the rain and well you can check it out for yourself below.

 

One of the best parts was surprising my husband with his daughter who he was literally talking to on facetime but had no idea she was facetiming him from the car!

The entire day was so surreal!! Just having my husband in the car with us was “weird” as my son says but in a good way!! When he got in the car he pulled out his mp3 player for us to hear a song that got him through his tough days. It was so cute because he really was adamant about getting an aux cord to hook this mp3 player up. We started trying to think of ways to make this thing work and then it hit us! Just tell us the name of the song. We can pull it up on our phone and play My Testimony by Marvin Sapp. We listened to the words as he sang along with it. Then I shared my get through song, Praise is What I Do by William Murphy.

The rest of the ride was good conversation, facetime reunites, extended hugs and kisses we couldn’t share at visit until my son sat between us!! It was good to see and hear pure joy as My Mister took in his new freedom!!

If you have an incarcerated loved one, keep the faith!!  Don’t give up on them!!  Be their voice when you have to!! And in the words of my favorite song:

I vow to praise You
Through the good and the bad
I’ll praise You
Whether happy or sad
I’ll praise You
In all that I go through
Because praise is what I do
‘Cause I owe it all to You

 

There is Power in Waiting

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     My biggest success was in the process of waiting. My husband has been incarcerated for 7 years and we have two beautiful boys together. My husband got convicted the day after our youngest son turned 1 years old. When the officers put the handcuffs on him and took him away I immediately thought my life was over. When sentencing came and the judge said 22 years, I thought I was doomed! I didn’t know what to think or where to begin! However, this process has become a gift because I found my greatest strength in the big WAIT! When my husband left It seemed as if all my “so call” support scattered. I had nobody but me and the Lord. I couldn’t work full-time because I had to be there for my boys. I was facing eviction and I was back up in rent $7,000.  I got on public assistance and by the grace of God, I discover a program to help me pay my back rent. I try to go back to college, I was told I couldn’t because of my GPA, I literally got 5 no’s One day I took a leap of faith and I went back to the main campus to ask again. I spoke to the director and I was able to register and do my financial aid all in one day. I obtained my associate and bachelor’s degree in psychology and human services. I started working temp jobs here and there to maintain and take care of my family. However, I knew God wanted more from me and he was calling me to do something higher.

The only way I was able to hear is when I’d removed negative people, places and things from my life. These moments were painful; however, I focused on finding the lessons and the blessings. Every income tax season I would invest into myself. I would invest into traveling to different conferences to network. I learned how other individuals became successful. I would purchase VIP tickets and sit with millionaires and learn how they became successful. I invested in changing my mindset. After that I start creating products, such as T-shirts, creating eBooks and more.  This was only the beginning, but I knew I had to begin somewhere to find my way.  I didn’t make a lot of money, but I have learned how to and what works and don’t work.  I knew this wasn’t it and God wanted more. I started to write down all the things I was passionate about.  It always resulted back to me helping people, especially women and couples. I went back to school to get my master’s degree in Marriage Family Therapy. Now I am a MFT, public speaker, soon to be author and I do workshops to help women with personal development.

     This is not an easy journey, however there is power in the big WAIT. It’s not easy when you don’t have support, trying to maintain the house, children and husband. For being a single married mother, I had to discover how to have flexibility. Me being on public assistance helped me get to where I needed to be. My prayer was not to have a job that will take me away from my children. I wanted to be there for my children emotionally and supportively. And being an entrepreneur and a therapist give me that flexibility. Also, so I can visit my husband on the weekends. I actually visit my husband every other weekend. Me and my husband have an unconditional love, where we value each other. Spiritually we worked on being on one accord. He understands that I must take care of me first. 

     And that’s my message, take care of you first. Your children need you and your destiny that God is trying to take you to needs you. It may take you a couple avenues to get to your destiny. However, you will get there. Whatever money you get, save it up and invest in your healing, if you need to heal. You don’t have to have your business altogether to start investing. Writing is free, write down your vision. Start by Saving $10 and get a logo created. Invest little pieces at the time until your puzzle come together. And going back to school is always an option. I started off in a CUNY school and from me having low income I got full financial aid. Every semester I would get a refund back. I always saved it up for rainy days and I would invest it. If there’s a will, there’s a way and there is always a way.

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make The Mister Woosah

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So I asked The Mister to come up with his 10 reasons prison visits make him “woosah”… my words.   He didn’t think he could get a good five but here’s what he came up with.  He asked me to “spice it up” but I decided just to give his words.

1. Getting away from all these dudes.

2. Seeing the people who love me.

3.  Being in my honey’s arms.

4.  Seeing how much my offspring have grown.

5.  Enjoying good meaningful conversations.

6.  Eating my chicken wings.

7.  Just being away from all the prison politics and activities.

8.  Feeling like me again.

9.  Being able to tell my wife how beautiful she is.

10.  Confessing my love and gratitude for my wife.

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make Prison Wives Woosah from the Mrs.

After reading his list and seeing how similar our lists are I couldn’t help but laugh.  Prison Visits are EVERYTHING to both family/friends of the incarcerated and to the incarcerated loved one.  It allows us the opportunity to just simply be us!

I Love You But I Don’t Know You

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Last week it was my daughter and my husband beefing. This week it’s my son and my husband. Now, as I mentioned before, when they were younger it was all good. But now that they are teens, and able to make their own decisions, my husband expects them to communicate with him more. Well, they are so caught up in their friends and own lives that they don’t make the time to do it.  The Mr. doesn’t want to hear the “I was busy” story.

I always know when they’re upset with the Mr. because they come to me with this pitiful looks on their face and phone in their hand ready to “tell”  on their dad. It’s funny because he’s already talked to me and we’re on the same page by time they get to me.  I have to remind them that he’s not here so he’s missing being here with them and seeing them grow up.  He’s looking at this as if they can be on their phone throughout most of the day texting friends and playing games then they should be able to send a simple text.

I guess since life is at a standstill in there, sometimes I don’t think the Mister realizes or forgets how fast-paced life is out here.  And before you know it, the day has gone without saying something.  I don’t know, of course, we I don’t go a day without checking in but I’m also not a child.  I know in order for us to make it communication is major.  But for my kids, especially my son, they really don’t know each other.

I love you but I don’t know you

I was pregnant with my son when the Mister was locked up.  So no matter how much I try to force the relationship, I had to come to the realization that they love each other but they don’t know each other.  My son can’t wait for the day his dad will be home!  But at this moment, he doesn’t really know him.  I had to really take a moment and listen to my husband explain his feelings to me.  In the beginning, I became defensive because I want them to have a normal relationship.  But after talking to my mom about it, she told me I need to hear what he’s saying and not get upset about it.  This is just a result of the circumstance.  It’s not intentional.  But to hear my husband say he does better with text because he doesn’t always know what to say I was like wow… this is really deeper than I thought!   I never thought about him being at a lost for words.  Especially since he’s a talker.  He wants to say more but he doesn’t know what to say all the time.

Now when they’re together, they’re able to have decent conversations.  One thing the two of them bond over are movies.  So that will be their thing when he gets here.  I honestly, don’t know what to expect when he gets here.   My mom suggested that we get family counseling which me and the Mister think is necessary to make the transition less challenging.  Whew…somethings just have to happen when and how they’re going to happen…

My suggestions for those that met their parent behind bars:

  1.  Keep the line of communication open between the child and parent.
  2. With young kids sit down and help them write or email their parent once or twice a month.
  3. Be open to listening to the feelings of the parent and child without being judgmental.
  4. When they become teens…. I don’t have an answer!  LOL!! Still at a lost, had to let it go and let God!
  5. Seek counseling when the parent is released.  Individual counseling for the child before the release may also be helpful.