For the Lives of Prison Wives

incarceration

How to Get Through the Holidays With a Loved One in Prison

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The most wonderful time of the year isn’t so wonderful for everybody.  The holidays are reminders to many of the people they love and miss the most.  Holidays just aren’t the same when you can’t have certain Loved Ones home with you to share the winter weather, holiday movies, good hot chocolate, and just the whole holiday ambiance.

I remember my first year without my husband being home for the holidays.   I cried the throughout the holidays.  I tried to be happy for my kids but all I could think about was him not being there to see them open their gifts.  Not only did I cry throughout the day, I had to get myself together enough for company.  Oh, did I mention  company were relatives and friends that had their Boothang and everythang! Insert rolling eye emoji here with a sigh… Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my folks.  But at that time it was like I’m already hurting. Now life just has to be rubbed and rubbed in my face.

I tried to do the best I could to cover up the emotional roller coaster I was on.  But the way my facials set up, it was always an epic fail especially with my momma… well my daddy… well my sister and brother-in-law… Well…hell, back to what I said. EPIC FAIL!! The first few years I think good ol’ Stevie Wonder would’ve been able to read my facial expressions.

But you know what would change all of that? Those holiday phone calls!!

When I would get my phone calls I had a sense of holiday normalcy.  And on top of that, we got extra minutes during the holiday!!  Do you not know what extra minutes means to a Prison Wife or Prison Family?!?! We got to spend some part of the holiday together!! We shared what we were in the kitchen cooking up, how the kids reacted to their Christmas, the big fed meal my Mister got to eat. He would be so excited about that meal.  I would get jealous when he would end the convo to go eat. Like really bruh?  

If he didn’t end the convo to go eat, of course we were reminded that we were still on prison time when that big mouth count down lady would tell us “you have 5 mins remaining”… Girrrll we know…can you be merry on Christmas?!?  Her voice would send me right down the roller coaster back into sadness before we even hung up the phone.  We both were the same for the first few years during holidays until there was a shift.

I honestly don’t know when the shift took place but I do remember my Mister calling and hearing me down.  He let me know he was ok and he wanted me to be happy and enjoy the family.  Plus it wasn’t fair for my family to look up and see me down just to bring them down.

I really didn’t intend on telling all of this.  I was just going to share a few tips but I hope our story can help you during this time.

Here are a few getting through the holiday tips:

  1. Do a Mindset shift!! Have a grateful mindset. As clichéish as it sounds it could definitely be worse especially in these times we’re living in.  Think of the things that you are grateful for about your Loved One
  2. If you have to do a little something everyday to be happy, Do It!  (treat yourself i.e. movie, me time, girl night, etc.)
  3. Give yourself permission to enjoy the holidays.
  4. Do not carry the guilt of your Loved One not being there for the holidays.
  5. Fix his fave dish to add to Christmas dinner
  6. If you go around family/friends, be happy! Remember, it’s not fair to them to be gloom and doom ALL day.
  7. If you talk to your Loved One, uplift each other. Have fun. He/She wants to hear you happy.
  8. Something I wish I would’ve done…Do a 12 Days of Christmas letters
  9. A Loyal Lady from our support group suggested lighting a candle
  10. Do a Christmas Photoshoot
  11. Buy an early Christmas  gift. (No matter when your LO comes home it’ll be fun to watch he/she open it.)
  12. Have your Loved One call while you’re opening gifts (especially if you have children)
  13. Play your fave Christmas songs in the background.
  14. Don’t be too pissed at the countdown lady. She’s just doing her job.
  15. Remember Live, Laugh, Love!!

What are you planning to do to get through the holidays?

Happy Holidays!!!

~Stay Strong. Beautiful. Unbothered.

I Can’t Breathe & I’m In Prison

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Picture of Willie "Fareed" Fleming

Willie "Fareed" Fleming

In America, we’re hearing the phrase “I can’t breathe” way too often these days.  We normally hear it as life is taken from unarmed African American males at the hands of racists officers.  There’s another place “I can’t breathe” is being heard.  That’s in our prisons.  I can’t breathe is being yelled by those dying to officers as well as those dying to the cornavirus.  Check out this unbelievable, heartwrenching story of an incarcerated Loved One, Wille “Fareed” Fleming as he battled coronavirus behind the prison wall…

“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art
with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4 

When I was a little boy in Sunday school memorizing that verse back in the 60ty’s, I envisioned
a slim pathway between two mountains, boulders or something that was way out in the middle of
nowhere; and in a place where a lion or bear- or even a human enemy would be tracking me and
trying to take me out. I never would have thought that the predator would be the coronavirus.
Forty days ago, the coronavirus arrived at the Wynne Prison Unit in Huntsville, TX. We knew it
was here because men started falling out and everyone was manifesting the symptoms that were
being warned about on television such as dry coughing, fever, an inability to breathe and extreme
fatigue.

The first order was to socially distance. Well, how do you do that in prison? Especially on a unit
where the cells are 8X10 feet and shared with a cellmate and the showers are communal.
Nonetheless, the practice of “socially distancing” started on April 3rd. I know because I was
scheduled to go give a sermon that day in the chapel and we all had to readjust to meet the social
distance guidelines. The Chaplain and I were in his office talking and going over the sermon
notes when he started coughing and feeling fatigued. Three weeks later, he died from the
coronavirus.

I knew I had contracted it from him and by this time I was beginning to have few symptoms, as
was the whole wing where I was housed. My cellmate, who was twenty years younger than me,
had foot bruises and a dry cough which he thought were as a result of the virus. Every one up
and down the row of 28 cells felt that they had some type of symptom and then people started
passing out, falling down and yelling that they couldn’t breathe.

We would go to bed listening to see who was coughing the worst. We would ask, “Has Mike
made it back from Memorial Hermann?”(The hospital that most were rushed to.) Then we began
to notice the list of names just kept getting longer, and longer and longer. “Does anybody know
what happened to Bell, Rock, Phil, Jay, Howard, Milton, Flacco,the Irishman, Chi-town, G-Man,
Lil Man, Tiny, Bryan College Station, East Texas, Fifth Ward, Johnny Cochran? Man, there are
too many of us missing and the chaplain is dead!” The news said that there were 12 of “us” who
were dead. The rumors spread as quickly as the virus and the next then that happened was the
new name for the cell block- “The Death Block.”

I refused to entertain any negativity.

I woke up in the morning praying and reading the Word and fasting to stay spiritually strong; but
my dry cough wouldn’t stop. My chest was hurting slightly and I couldn’t smell anything. I was
always waiting for things to get just a little worse before I sounded the alarm.
Then, on April 28th, the officials started doing targeted testing for guys that were in the
vulnerable population. I was one of the ones tested.

I finally broke and told my wife, although I never told her about the symptoms because I
couldn’t have her worrying; but when I took the test I knew it would come back positive and it
did. They moved all of the offenders positive with the coronavirus to a block all by ourselves.
None of us were looking the other men in the eye. It was as if we were all being marshalled
together to die.

No sooner than we got settled in, the calls for help began. “I can’t breathe.”
Another man was having a heart attack and despair and depression had consumed the whole cell
block.

Mail quit coming, the officers working our block were donned in space suits and looked at us as
if we were already dead. The only food we received were sandwiches that were cold,
non-nutritious and never delicious. Then the water got turned off for five days due to a broken
pipe. It was as low as it gets. One day, I was in my cell writing my son a letter reminding him of
everything I ever taught him and the Holy Spirit quickened me to get up and start shadow
boxing.

I started swinging at the unseen enemy.

I fought him for about 30 minutes and then started doing a regimen of push-ups and other
exercises until I was dripping with sweat and I heard the verse, “ Yea though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” I heard that verse as I had never heard it
before. DAvid said, “AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF
DEATH,” not as I am overcome in the valley. Not respective of how death’s tail struck me on
the left cheek, but how I WALKED THROUGH, fearing now evil and taking comfort with his
rod (The Word) and his staff (The Holy Spirit).

I have made it through the valley, but death was on my every side. Many have passed away and
their faces are still fresh in my mind, but God saved me, covered me, guided me through and I
am grateful and thankful. I don’t know if all of the guys that were taken away are dead or just
being housed somewhere else, but I know they deserve to be checked on, remembered and
forgiven for many were redeemed and have regenerated their lives. They are great examples of
new creatures reconciled back to God.

Signed,
Willie “Fareed” Fleming

We Made It!! Fourteen Years Through the Wall!!

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Wowwww!!!! What a day!!!! We Made it!!! Our family has been waiting for this day like forever!! So by now you already know my husband was sentenced to 22.5 years in prison. Due to a change in the law, All Drugs Minus Two orchestrated by Families Against Mandatory Minimums ~ FAMM, his sentence was reduced!!  He’ll get even less halfway house time due to the First Step Act also one of FAMM’s initiatives. 

One More Day and A Wake Up! 

So let me rewind to how we prepared for this day. I had a tough decision to make…Did I want to pick my husband up alone and let this be our moment, or did I want to include the rest of our family to witness this day we’ve all been waiting for? You know, I love my Mom and Dad!! I can honestly say we were truly blessed to have their support throughout this whole ordeal. I may be my husband’s ride or die but they are my ride or dies!! For real!!  For real!!! I’ve met so many prison wives who don’t have the support of their family which makes the journey even more difficult.

When the day was approaching, my mom told me she wanted to go. I knew my son wanted to go, but my emotionless daughter (she gets it from her momma… lol) put up a front like she didn’t want to go. Of course I knew better. My dad, well,  now that I’m thinking about it his reaction is emotionless too! So, I really had no clue if he wanted to go or not.

Deep down My Mister wanted me to come alone but when I told him my mom wanted to be there he was like ok! Well, we can’t say no to Ma and Dad! Our time is coming.

My nervousness had calmed down the closer the day got to my husband being released. Me and the kids packed everything he needed for the halfway house the night before. We did the best we could guesstimating since we didn’t know his actual size and packed some foods we thought he’d like. I told my daughters I felt like I was packing for a college dorm room! They stayed awake while I tried to get some sleep. Our communication had been cut off for three days. So all I could do was imagine how he was feeling knowing he would be free the next morning.

The Wake Up!

We woke up at 4:00 am to get ready for our new beginnings!! We arrived thirty minutes early at the prison. I can’t believe he had the nerve to tell me he wanted me there thirty minutes early because he thought I might be late!! Really Bae, Really? Did he really not know how long I’ve waited for this day?!?!  Did he really think I would be late for his freedom?

Once we arrived, we sat in the truck all giddy.  We passed the time by cracking on each other, laughing, and trying to predict how all of this was going to play out.   We started to question should we just continue to sit or do we let the Base workers know that we were there to pick up someone being released. I couldn’t take any chances messing anything up so I walked to the guard and she told me to be looking out for a van that would come to our parking lot to drop my husband off.

It’s now 7:45 am!! We only had 15 more minutes!! Every white van that drove by had us nervous!! We would watch the van pull up, get nervous and excited, and then watch the van drive off the base. This went on for the next 30 mins. We finally saw a van pull up and turn into our parking lot!! I think we all went silent for a few seconds as we watched the van pull into the parking lot and the doors fly open!!

Free At Last!!

Oh My God!!! Oh My God!!! One man stepped out the van with his gear and then my Mister stepped out!!!!! We ran through the rain and well you can check it out for yourself below.

 

One of the best parts was surprising my husband with his daughter who he was literally talking to on facetime but had no idea she was facetiming him from the car!

The entire day was so surreal!! Just having my husband in the car with us was “weird” as my son says but in a good way!! When he got in the car he pulled out his mp3 player for us to hear a song that got him through his tough days. It was so cute because he really was adamant about getting an aux cord to hook this mp3 player up. We started trying to think of ways to make this thing work and then it hit us! Just tell us the name of the song. We can pull it up on our phone and play My Testimony by Marvin Sapp. We listened to the words as he sang along with it. Then I shared my get through song, Praise is What I Do by William Murphy.

The rest of the ride was good conversation, facetime reunites, extended hugs and kisses we couldn’t share at visit until my son sat between us!! It was good to see and hear pure joy as My Mister took in his new freedom!!

If you have an incarcerated loved one, keep the faith!!  Don’t give up on them!!  Be their voice when you have to!! And in the words of my favorite song:

I vow to praise You
Through the good and the bad
I’ll praise You
Whether happy or sad
I’ll praise You
In all that I go through
Because praise is what I do
‘Cause I owe it all to You

 

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