For the Lives of Prison Wives

relationship

Is You Hearing or Is You Listening to Your Spouse?

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Is you hearing or is you listening to your spouse?  Is there a difference between the two?  Yes, a big difference.  Think back to the last argument you had with your spouse, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you’ve said the infamous words, “I HEAR YOU!”  Of course, this means just that, I hear you and I’m not trying to listen to comprehend anything you’re saying right now.  So what’s the difference between hearing and listening, and how do we move from hearing to listening?  When we’re hearing, we are simply perceiving sound with our ears.  Those sounds equate to the words that we just tune out because our mind is already made up about the situation.  When we’re listening, we’re actually paying attention to the words and attempting to make sense of our spouse’s words.  So how can we move from hearing to listening?

Check out these five steps to make sure you are listening to your spouse and not just hearing your spouse

  1. Remember that you and your spouse are on the same team.  This is not the NBA Playoffs, no one is keeping score.  If you’re not one, you’re working toward becoming one.
  2. Make eye contact.  Give your complete attention.  Stop what you’re doing or ask for a time to talk to your spouse so that both of you can have one another’s full attention.
  3. Stop, look & listen.  There is no way you can truly listen to your spouse if you’re constantly talking.  Do you understand the words that are coming out of your spouse’s mouth *in my Chris Tucker voice*?  Try to open your mind and heart to listen to the words your spouse is speaking.  Shhhhh…you may learn something.   Pay attention to your partner’s body language.   Actively listen by repeating to your spouse what you heard and how you understood what was said.
  4. You don’t always have to be right!  (That’s one of my problems.)  More than likely the both of you have the same goal just different paths to get to the goal.  Very seldom does the GPS only give us one route.
  5. Make a conscious effort to use pet names/terms of endearment and to gently touch your spouse during the argument.  Spouses can spew words that go straight to your heart and encase it in ice just like a super hero releasing super powers.  It’s amazing how a gentle touch or a “just listen baby” during an argument  can start to melt that ice box from your spouse’s heart.

Hear with expectancy and listen with intent.  Hear expecting to learn the initial problem.  Listen intending to solve the problem.

 

To Nag or Not To Nag?…That is the Question

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As we approached home, I reflected upon what our counselor advised me to do, shut up and pray (Take the Muzzle Off Your Man).  She even led me to a scripture, Proverbs 27:15-16,  A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.  Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.   Ha!  Never knew that was in the bible.   She suggested that I tell my fiance what’s bothering me, remind him once and if he still hadn’t responded to pray to God about it.  If I went to him a third time, that was considered nagging.  Well, if I hadn’t mastered anything else in life I was a pro at nagging.  A matter a fact, I began to love to nag because I knew how to get to him.  I would actually sit and think of ways to really get under that skin. To nag is to annoy or irritate a person with persistent fault-finding or continuous urging. I felt my nagging was justifiable because my fiance had areas that I believed he needed to improve.  I just wanted to help him to become a better person.  So my strategy was to make him talk about what ever was bothering me.  Obviously, that didn’t work or it wouldn’t have become nagging. But what else was I to do?  I didn’t understand how me attempting to help you become better was a problem.  Just do what I asked.  That’s simple.

Of course after every lesson there’s a test.  And of course if you don’t study you fail.  So I failed, not once, not twice, but several times before I finally put what was taught to me in action.  This nagging was embedded in me so deep and I didn’t even know I was nagging at times.  The more I nagged the less we saw of each other.  He eventually stopped going to counseling.  Now why would he do that?  That just gave me one more thing to nag him about.  Come on now…what else was I supposed to do, follow the advice of my counselor and pray? And I’m not getting my way?  Huh! Yeah right! I had to let this out.  You would think he liked this nagging that he claimed was so bothersome.  This ugly cycle continued.  I’d call, text, write and try again.  Even when I was able to get it all out he was hearing me but not listening.  There’s a difference. (Is You Hearing or Is You Listening to Your Spouse?)

The day finally arrived when I got tired and gave into my counselor’s advice.  I bit my tongue and prayed instead of picking up the phone.  I opened a book of prayers and read a prayer about nagging.  I still have that book but until this day, I haven’t found the prayer I prayed that day in the book.  It’s like God just put it there for me at that moment.  A week after reading that prayer, my fiance called me and asked was I ready because he was on his way to take me to our counseling session. The same sessions he abandoned and that I prayed for him to return to.  So in the words of my counselor, Shut Up and Pray! Ladies, we can’t change the man but God can. And in the process of praying for his change, He changes us as well. Gotta love HIM!

 

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Real Wife

My Biblical Marriage Counselor told me to Shut Up!

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The most significant words my biblical marriage counselor shared with me were … “Shut Up!”  My immediate thought was “shut up?!”  But he’s not right!  Do you hear what he’s saying?  His thinking is ALL wrong!!  But at this point, I was willing to take the advice because we had hit the bottom. So I “shut up” and let him tell “his side” of the story.  As he continued to talk, there were moments when I wanted to interject my “perfect thoughts” but I was instructed to listen and write down my points so that I wouldn’t forget what I wanted to say.  As I continued to listen to his “ridiculousness” I actually started hearing moments that didn’t sound so ridiculous after all.  I began to see that uh..oh I actually was a contributing factor to this demise.  I didn’t agree with everything he was saying but I understood his reaction to me… Ok, so let’s rewind, I was here so my counselor could fix HIM!! Nothing was wrong with me.  I didn’t do anything.  He didn’t even want to seek counseling and now I’m part of the problem?! I gotta hear this …  While I’m able to find an inkling of love for him please tell me what I need to do.  According to my counselor, my fiancé wasn’t feeling respected and appreciated.  Okayyy, why would I respect him?  Respect in my head was to submit and I don’t do the submit thing.  Especially when you don’t deserve respect.  If he disrespects me, I will disrespect him in return.  It’s those thoughts and actions that got us where we were- sitting on the couch in front of a biblical marriage counselor.  Whoever would’ve thought.  You couldn’t have told me this years ago.  All we as women want is our fairytale happily ever after.  What happened?  Whew… as a last resort to salvage that inkling that was left, I took my counselor’s advice and shut up and prayed.  Oh, the journey that lies ahead … To be continued …To Nag or Not to Nag…That is the Question

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Real Wife

Inmate to You, Husband to Me

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There are several types of “non-traditional” relationships that take place today.  Every time I think I’ve heard it all, I learn of something new.  Yes, some shock me but who am I to judge when my husband and I are a part of the “non-traditional” crew.  I’m sure our relationship shocks people as well.  I couldn’t fight the urge to respond to the comments from the article, “Boyfriend Proposed from Behind Bars Should I Say Yes?” by Dr. Buck.  Similar to the young lady who wrote Dr. Buck, I too dated my now husband who was and is currently serving a long-term sentence.  “Who does that?”… I know, I know… just as some of the comments stated, only a weak, lonely, low self-esteem having pathetic woman.  Honestly, I never could have imagined that I would be a “prison wife.”  This is not the type of relationship I sought.  But hey, love is love.  The love you feel or have for your significant other is the love I have for mine.  Love is a decision.  Is your decision any better than mine?

I’m blessed to be surrounded by non-judgmental  family and friends that support me if I’m with or without my husband.  That same unconditional love they have for me is the same unconditional love I have for him.  I recall reading a post that said the difference between relationships of the past versus relationships of today is people of the past fixed things that were broken where as people of today throw broken things away.  Our relationship was truly broken prior to his incarceration but we’re thankful for the fix.  We’ve both done a great deal of work to correct our wrongs and grow together.  It’s a risk no different from the risk that people of “traditional” relationships take.

I sit and look at the number of unhappy women that are dating men in the “free world” and have yet to experience that one true love.  Women who have kissed and are still kissing their many frogs to find that one prince.  Even women whom have husbands experience ups and downs in their marriages as my husband and I do.  I trust and believe God for our marriage just as you do for yours. There are good and bad men in prison just as there are good and bad men in the “free world”.  At some time or another, all women will have to stand by their man for something.  It’s up to us to decide what we choose to stand by.

Believe it or not, it takes strength to go to bed alone at night knowing your husband isn’t their physically.  It takes strength to be the only “uncoupled” wife in a sea of “coupled” husbands and wives.  It takes strength to patiently wait on a phone call to tell your husband the highs and lows of the day instead of being able to pick up the phone and dial his number.  It takes strength to express to others your socially unaccepted “non-traditional” marriage.

Do I think I’m a weak, lonely, low self-esteem having pathetic woman? … Nah, I’m just like you, a woman in love.  Open your mind a little, don’t be so judgmental.

One Less Thought…

Real Wife