For the Lives of Prison Wives

prison life

When Things Get Hot in the Kitchen

by

Hello I’m a prison wife, I’m telling my story on how I met my husband to be. In 2018, I applied for a food service job at a prison. During orientation we were told the do’s and dont’s of the job. Some of us listened while some of us didn’t.  Who knew it would get “hot in the kitchen?”

I was one of the ones who listened and had every intention of just going to work to get a pay check. Here I was a single woman that hadn’t been with anyone for three years.  Now all of the sudden I’m working around hundreds of men!  Unfortunately but fortunately, there was one man that caught my eye.    As soon as he walked in we locked eyes which made me feel wanted again, he gave me butterflies, I couldn’t stop thinking about this man!  I told my best friend about him and I started to pick up all the overtime I could just to be around this man.  After talking to him, I eventually found out that his feelings were mutual even though he was much younger than me. That didn’t matter and I still fell head over heals for him. For him my age didn’t matter he loved me for me and I didn’t care that he was in prison. I loved him for him! He made me feel happy, wanted, and like a woman. He never told me things I wanted to hear only things I needed to hear.  Things to make me better.

I never thought it was possible to love again. He easily broke that wall down. It was something about him, he was hungry for my attention so I gave it all to him but we had to be careful because it could have gotten us in trouble. We talked when we could. I remember the first time we kissed it sent butterflies in my stomach but it only lasted a couple of seconds because we didn’t want to get caught.

We were always sneaking around every chance that was given until one day I was pulled into the office and told that I was being watched. I was asked questions about my lover.  I was asked if I was having relations with him. I denied everything to keep my job and to see him. Sometimes I wondered if I was crazy.  My best friend told me I was crazy! Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be dating a 32 year old african american prisoner.  I am a 47 years old caucasian woman. He is still serving time. Some of my co-workers gave me a hard time about our relationship and of course rumors were going around. I didn’t pay them any attention, all I wanted was to be around him even if it was across the kitchen. He was more than just a prisoner to me and I was more than just a woman to him.

I spent many of times in the officeI being questionned by administration. I just kept denying everything. My co- workers liked my man and they would try to pick fights with me to get me to quit my job. I just ignored all of it. There were other co-workers that were sneaking around also but I was the only one being watched. I ended up purchasing a prepaid phone with different number so that we could talk without it getting traced. We talked a lot when I wasn’t working. My man ended up getting caught with marijuana.  They sent him to the hole and they investigated me which led to me being terminated.

It was two months before I heard from him again. When I finally did he said they were moving him to another prison. We wrote letters back and forth for two more months. Finally, he called! I was so happy to hear his voice that I cried. From there on out we talked on the phone. I never forgot about him and he never forgot about me.

In the beginning of 2019 he put me on his visitation list and now I go visit him twice a month. We have talked for awhile about getting married since our love for each other has grown so strong over the year.  We have had a lot of struggles during this process and it has cost us a lot of money.  Neverthlesss, next month, we will be getting married!! It’s not the wedding we have dreamed of because he is still in prison but we want to make our love known to each other. After we get married we are hoping to start the process of him being released.  To be continued …

We Made It!! Fourteen Years Through the Wall!!

by

Wowwww!!!! What a day!!!! We Made it!!! Our family has been waiting for this day like forever!! So by now you already know my husband was sentenced to 22.5 years in prison. Due to a change in the law, All Drugs Minus Two orchestrated by Families Against Mandatory Minimums ~ FAMM, his sentence was reduced!!  He’ll get even less halfway house time due to the First Step Act also one of FAMM’s initiatives. 

One More Day and A Wake Up! 

So let me rewind to how we prepared for this day. I had a tough decision to make…Did I want to pick my husband up alone and let this be our moment, or did I want to include the rest of our family to witness this day we’ve all been waiting for? You know, I love my Mom and Dad!! I can honestly say we were truly blessed to have their support throughout this whole ordeal. I may be my husband’s ride or die but they are my ride or dies!! For real!!  For real!!! I’ve met so many prison wives who don’t have the support of their family which makes the journey even more difficult.

When the day was approaching, my mom told me she wanted to go. I knew my son wanted to go, but my emotionless daughter (she gets it from her momma… lol) put up a front like she didn’t want to go. Of course I knew better. My dad, well,  now that I’m thinking about it his reaction is emotionless too! So, I really had no clue if he wanted to go or not.

Deep down My Mister wanted me to come alone but when I told him my mom wanted to be there he was like ok! Well, we can’t say no to Ma and Dad! Our time is coming.

My nervousness had calmed down the closer the day got to my husband being released. Me and the kids packed everything he needed for the halfway house the night before. We did the best we could guesstimating since we didn’t know his actual size and packed some foods we thought he’d like. I told my daughters I felt like I was packing for a college dorm room! They stayed awake while I tried to get some sleep. Our communication had been cut off for three days. So all I could do was imagine how he was feeling knowing he would be free the next morning.

The Wake Up!

We woke up at 4:00 am to get ready for our new beginnings!! We arrived thirty minutes early at the prison. I can’t believe he had the nerve to tell me he wanted me there thirty minutes early because he thought I might be late!! Really Bae, Really? Did he really not know how long I’ve waited for this day?!?!  Did he really think I would be late for his freedom?

Once we arrived, we sat in the truck all giddy.  We passed the time by cracking on each other, laughing, and trying to predict how all of this was going to play out.   We started to question should we just continue to sit or do we let the Base workers know that we were there to pick up someone being released. I couldn’t take any chances messing anything up so I walked to the guard and she told me to be looking out for a van that would come to our parking lot to drop my husband off.

It’s now 7:45 am!! We only had 15 more minutes!! Every white van that drove by had us nervous!! We would watch the van pull up, get nervous and excited, and then watch the van drive off the base. This went on for the next 30 mins. We finally saw a van pull up and turn into our parking lot!! I think we all went silent for a few seconds as we watched the van pull into the parking lot and the doors fly open!!

Free At Last!!

Oh My God!!! Oh My God!!! One man stepped out the van with his gear and then my Mister stepped out!!!!! We ran through the rain and well you can check it out for yourself below.

 

One of the best parts was surprising my husband with his daughter who he was literally talking to on facetime but had no idea she was facetiming him from the car!

The entire day was so surreal!! Just having my husband in the car with us was “weird” as my son says but in a good way!! When he got in the car he pulled out his mp3 player for us to hear a song that got him through his tough days. It was so cute because he really was adamant about getting an aux cord to hook this mp3 player up. We started trying to think of ways to make this thing work and then it hit us! Just tell us the name of the song. We can pull it up on our phone and play My Testimony by Marvin Sapp. We listened to the words as he sang along with it. Then I shared my get through song, Praise is What I Do by William Murphy.

The rest of the ride was good conversation, facetime reunites, extended hugs and kisses we couldn’t share at visit until my son sat between us!! It was good to see and hear pure joy as My Mister took in his new freedom!!

If you have an incarcerated loved one, keep the faith!!  Don’t give up on them!!  Be their voice when you have to!! And in the words of my favorite song:

I vow to praise You
Through the good and the bad
I’ll praise You
Whether happy or sad
I’ll praise You
In all that I go through
Because praise is what I do
‘Cause I owe it all to You

 

The Walking Dead: Losing a Loved One to Prison

by

The Walking Dead:  Losing a loved one to prison. As I mentioned in the article, “You Have a Collect Call From ___ At the County Jail”, I experienced so many different emotions.  One minute I would be ok with the situation, the next minute I would be upset with my fiancè.  I would try to remain on a high for my kids, but it was difficult at times.  After being settled, of course, there were songs or items left behind that reminded me of him.

How is Losing a Loved One to Prison Like the Walking Dead?

I often would pass boxes of stuff from the house that had been packed up and be reminded of the good and bad times we shared.  I experienced the stages of grief that people experience when someone dies.  We go through certain emotions in our lives, but we just go through them without identifying what the experience truly is.  I didn’t realize until recently that what I was going through was grief.  And that grief is a process.

The emotions I felt were perfectly normal.  The stages of grief followed after the traumatic experience (the arrest) took place.   The stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, forgiveness and my New Norm.

Denial

After accepting the phone call and hearing the news that he was arrested, we still were hopeful that he’d be coming back home soon.  Even after sitting in the court room hearing the judge give a sentence of almost life we still believed something would happen.  But it was the fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what to expect for this new lifestyle that was about to take place immediately. The fear of not knowing if we’d stay together or part ways.  The fear of prison life itself.  The fear of the kids not having their father.  Denial takes place as a result of blocking out traumatic events that are too painful to deal with.

Anger

For those of you in the situation, I’m sure you’ve said too many times if only you would have listened,  you would be here now!!  I found myself playing conversations over and over in my head of me and others talking until we couldn’t talk anymore about changing his lifestyle.  I was MAD because I was by myself with the kids, MAD because I had to move back home, MAD because you won’t be here to raise the kids, MAD because my finances alone are going to have to be enough, MAD because I couldn’t even pick up the phone and call you to tell you how MAD I was….JUST MAD!!!!!!!!  I eventually redirected my anger by focusing on my kids.and prayer.

Bargaining

After sifting through all the emotions, we made the decision to continue the relationship by rebuilding and restoring trust.  We both read books that would help us grow.  Talked about the books and attempted to communicate using the tools we learned from premarital counseling before his incarceration.

Depression

After the bargain was made, I felt good about the decision and relief that a decision was made.  You know how stressful decision making can be especially humongous decisions like this one.  Well, there were times that depression would still creep up and try to take over.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not something that came overnight.  It took time.   We accepted the fact that our situation is what it is.  We both know that this was needed and are grateful that it took place.  However, I will add that a lot of sentences given to Black and Brown people are not just.  But, back to acceptance it definitely was God that got me to this point where I’m content in the moment.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have my days.  But I know how to pick myself up from those low places and I pick myself up with God’s help before I go too low.

Forgiveness

There was a time when I would constantly throw the past at my husband.  If you’re still living in the past you’re not allowing yourself to move forward.  Throwing up the past brings out all the negative emotions.  The only reason I’m able to share this part of my life with you now is because I was able to forgive.  I will NEVER forget and I don’t want to forget.  It’s because I remember that I am able to help others in my situation.

Remember, grief is a process.  If you find yourself down and out too long, seek professional help.

One Less Thought

Real Wife

Hello from the Other Side: A Daughter’s Memoir

by

When I was 3 years old and my brother hadn’t been born our dad was arrested. I can remember vividly my dad not returning home and asking my mom when he was coming back. I later learned that he was in jail. He was sentenced to 21 years in prison. This was the most horrifying thing I experienced as a 3 year old.
I very faintly remember moving to my grandparent’s house. Packing up all of my toys into boxes. Stuff was everywhere you stepped. Pots and pans all over the kitchen, clothes across the couches, covers over the TV, everything was a mess. We had many good times but I remember one night when I received a letter from my daddy and my mom and I were sitting on the top bunk of the bed. It was the summer of Kindergarten when I was 6 and my mom helped me read the letter he wrote in cursive. I can’t exactly remember what the letter said but my mom and I were sitting there crying.
“I know you miss him. I do too,” my mom mumbled.
“When is he coming home mommy?” I cried.
Eventually we moved into our very own house. It was so beautiful and I was so happy to finally have a place to call my home. I had my very own room and no longer had to share with my brother. My room was yellow, I had a full bed, flower drapes, and stuffed animals everywhere. My room was the cutest room in the whole house.
After while my brother started to notice that his friends dads were around but his wasn’t so, he asked my mom where he was out of the blue. My brother finally was old enough to understand at about 5 years old. My mom explained to him the best she could and he was a smart child so he understood.
We went to visit my dad every Summer. He moved to many different places all the way from high to low security prisons. I hated visiting him when he was in high security prisons because I couldn’t hug him or sit in his lap. That’s very important to a daughter because I’d always been a daddy’s girl. He would take me anywhere I wanted from mall to mall getting me any and every thing I could ever want as a little 3 year old child and I really missed that.
Then he got moved down to medium security prison. It was better and worst visiting my dad. It was better because we could hug, talk without using a phone, and even take pictures. The worst thing was it was so hard to dress nice because you would have to take anything that had metal in it off and it was a real pain in the butt.
This one time my mom had to go all the way back to the hotel to change because she had sandals on but I could wear sandals. It made all of us so mad.
“These rules are so stupid!” exclaimed my mom.  “ What’s so bad about sandals mommy?” I asked curiously.
“I really don’t know” responded my mom angrily.
We went back and they took us back to the visitation room where we waited anxiously for my dad to come out. When he came out everybody was so excited. My brother and I ran and jumped in my dad’s arms as he lifted us off the ground.
“Daddy!” shouted my brother and I.
“Hey Lil’ Buddy!” my dad excitedly said to my brother.
“Hey My Princess!” my dad said as he kissed my cheek.
We walked over to the seats where the rest of the family was he hugged my Grandmother and Grandaddy, and kissed my mom. The adults sat and talked while my brother and I were playing board games. They said they needed some adult time. I still was being nosey and overheard my dad talking about how tired of prison he was. He’d been there for 10 years and everybody felt his pain. But I was just patiently waiting for my favorite part of the visit. My 1 on 1 time with my dad.
Every time I would go and visit my dad we would have 1 on 1 daddy and daughter time. I always loved that time because we can just talk and keep things between us. This is what kept our relationship so strong.
“So, how’s daddy’s princess been?” he said as I sat in his lap.
“Good,” I responded.
“Have you been missing me?” asked my dad.
“Yes, daddy how would I not?” I replied.
“I just wanted to hear that,” my dad said as he chuckled.
We would continue to talk until it was my brother’s turn to get his time. I would always get jealous because I wanted all the time to myself. I’m really selfish when it comes to time with him.
Sometimes I didn’t like going to school because I’d always have to lie about my situation. I don’t want everybody to know because I feel like if I tell certain people I would be looked upon as a whole different person. Just because my dad made a mistake and is in prison doesn’t mean that, that makes me a different person. I still am who I am and nothing’s going to change that. Only a few of my best friends know. I knew they wouldn’t judge me because of this one thing and I love all those friends for that.
One day when I was in 5th grade I remember having my purple sweater dress on with white polka dots, in mid September, skipping from recess when my teacher stopped me. She asked if my parents were divorced because she’s never seen my dad at any PTA meetings or performances. To me this was really none of her business but I told a lie like I always did. I never answered so she just assumed my parents were divorced.
“How often do you visit your dad? My children go see their dad during the summer,” my teacher said.
“I see my dad in the summer too,” I replied.
“Where does your dad live? He must live far if he never goes to your performances,” she said.
“He lives in Virginia,” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“Do you know what he does for work?” she asked.
I didn’t know what to say so I started to think of manly jobs really quickly. I flashed back to when my friend told me her dad was a coal miner.
“He’s a coal miner,” I said as I walked inside from recess.
I didn’t want her to ask me questions about my dad unremittingly so I walked back to the classroom. Ever since then a teacher never has asked me about my personal life like that.
Now my dad has moved to a low security prison and I haven’t seen him in two years. It’s been hard but he calls my phone a lot and we can email whenever we want. He may be able to get out early but we will never know until that time. I want him here but at the same time I’m nervous. It would be so different having him around after all these years without him here with us. Things would probably change for everybody in the house. I really hope there will be good changes and no bad changes. This is going to be hard but this situation has made my family strong and we can get through anything together.

Daddy’s Princess