For the Lives of Prison Wives

Relationship

How to Get Through the Holidays With a Loved One in Prison

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The most wonderful time of the year isn’t so wonderful for everybody.  The holidays are reminders to many of the people they love and miss the most.  Holidays just aren’t the same when you can’t have certain Loved Ones home with you to share the winter weather, holiday movies, good hot chocolate, and just the whole holiday ambiance.

I remember my first year without my husband being home for the holidays.   I cried the throughout the holidays.  I tried to be happy for my kids but all I could think about was him not being there to see them open their gifts.  Not only did I cry throughout the day, I had to get myself together enough for company.  Oh, did I mention  company were relatives and friends that had their Boothang and everythang! Insert rolling eye emoji here with a sigh… Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my folks.  But at that time it was like I’m already hurting. Now life just has to be rubbed and rubbed in my face.

I tried to do the best I could to cover up the emotional roller coaster I was on.  But the way my facials set up, it was always an epic fail especially with my momma… well my daddy… well my sister and brother-in-law… Well…hell, back to what I said. EPIC FAIL!! The first few years I think good ol’ Stevie Wonder would’ve been able to read my facial expressions.

But you know what would change all of that? Those holiday phone calls!!

When I would get my phone calls I had a sense of holiday normalcy.  And on top of that, we got extra minutes during the holiday!!  Do you not know what extra minutes means to a Prison Wife or Prison Family?!?! We got to spend some part of the holiday together!! We shared what we were in the kitchen cooking up, how the kids reacted to their Christmas, the big fed meal my Mister got to eat. He would be so excited about that meal.  I would get jealous when he would end the convo to go eat. Like really bruh?  

If he didn’t end the convo to go eat, of course we were reminded that we were still on prison time when that big mouth count down lady would tell us “you have 5 mins remaining”… Girrrll we know…can you be merry on Christmas?!?  Her voice would send me right down the roller coaster back into sadness before we even hung up the phone.  We both were the same for the first few years during holidays until there was a shift.

I honestly don’t know when the shift took place but I do remember my Mister calling and hearing me down.  He let me know he was ok and he wanted me to be happy and enjoy the family.  Plus it wasn’t fair for my family to look up and see me down just to bring them down.

I really didn’t intend on telling all of this.  I was just going to share a few tips but I hope our story can help you during this time.

Here are a few getting through the holiday tips:

  1. Do a Mindset shift!! Have a grateful mindset. As clichéish as it sounds it could definitely be worse especially in these times we’re living in.  Think of the things that you are grateful for about your Loved One
  2. If you have to do a little something everyday to be happy, Do It!  (treat yourself i.e. movie, me time, girl night, etc.)
  3. Give yourself permission to enjoy the holidays.
  4. Do not carry the guilt of your Loved One not being there for the holidays.
  5. Fix his fave dish to add to Christmas dinner
  6. If you go around family/friends, be happy! Remember, it’s not fair to them to be gloom and doom ALL day.
  7. If you talk to your Loved One, uplift each other. Have fun. He/She wants to hear you happy.
  8. Something I wish I would’ve done…Do a 12 Days of Christmas letters
  9. A Loyal Lady from our support group suggested lighting a candle
  10. Do a Christmas Photoshoot
  11. Buy an early Christmas  gift. (No matter when your LO comes home it’ll be fun to watch he/she open it.)
  12. Have your Loved One call while you’re opening gifts (especially if you have children)
  13. Play your fave Christmas songs in the background.
  14. Don’t be too pissed at the countdown lady. She’s just doing her job.
  15. Remember Live, Laugh, Love!!

What are you planning to do to get through the holidays?

Happy Holidays!!!

~Stay Strong. Beautiful. Unbothered.

Dealing with Doubt in Prison Relationships

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“Things didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do? You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it.” – Life of Pi, pg. 115

Prison relationships are beautifully complicated. Supporting your significant other during their incarceration will come with as many challenges as it does rewards, and the biggest challenge is doubt. From the trials, legal matters, family stress, financial stress, lack of physical affection, and the daily struggles, it can get quite heavy emotionally.

Given the circumstances, I believe that positive, growth filled relationships are possible for inmates and those who love and care for them. During my time as a Prison Wife I have discovered many paths that have helped me heal myself and deal with doubts. I hope these in any way help you and your partner stay strong.

Setting healthy relationship boundaries

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page and understanding of the relationship dynamic that you want. Whether you were with your partner before they went in, or started dating an inmate during their sentence, it is something you both need to be clear on before deepening and maintaining the relationship. Are you going to wait for each other physically and emotionally? Is it an open relationship? By discussing this with your partner you will both be more clear on the relationship and the nature of it. Not everyone is cut out for a prison relationship and that’s okay. Be honest about your needs.

Productively raw, honest communication

Communication is the life line for you both. It is important to communicate your feelings unfiltered. There will be times when you think about leaving, get mad about the past, have a bad day, miss them dearly, need to cry; the list goes on. Whatever it is, don’t hold your feelings back, and be real.

This does not mean roasting your lover and telling them off every time you get frustrated or upset. Your partner is there to support you and listen. It’s so important to recognize that how you speak to each other will make all the difference in your connection. If you’re having a tough talk, take a deep breath before responding. Be okay crying, talking about your doubts, and your fears. Being vulnerable and open will help make you both much closer in the long run.

Take care of yourself

Once your partner is in, you will have emotional support, however it is all you. If you’re just now losing or have lost your lover to the system, be prepared for a grieving period and be open to how you handle it. Journaling, painting, exercise, meditation, time with family and friends that are supportive, hobbies that you may have forgotten about, self education and reading are helpful things to put your energy into. Take this time to re-explore yourself as an individual and have new experiences.

Giving back to yourself gives you the capacity to handle the relationship in hard times. It’s important to note that while lack of physical contact doesn’t define the relationship, it’s a dynamic that you’ll have to learn to properly cope with. Supporting yourself in unique ways that make you feel expressive and connected will give you strength.

Nonjudgemental listening

When you are honest with your partner, it’s important to remember that they will be honest with you too. Prison and jail are not fun places. Your partner will deal with racism, petty threats, unkind correctional officers, bad days at work, bad food, and unwarranted searches on a near daily basis. This is stressful, and whether your partner made a mistake or not it is important to give them a safe space to talk to you. They are in a place where they are constantly stressed, unable to let their guard down. Listening intently and being open to their pain as much as they are to yours will deepen your relationship to each other.

Keeping track of your progress & growth

It’s important to remember where you started and how much you’ve accomplished. When the doubt monster likes to come in and convince me I haven’t made any progress, I check my calendar, read old letters to my lover, or read old entries in my journal. Keeping a planner or bullet journaling are incredible ways to sort your days and remind yourself of just how far you have come from where you once were. Reflection is a powerful tool in recognizing your own abilities.

Write out the doubt

When doubts creeping in, I just pick up a pen and begin writing to my lover. It helps so much to vent and write about the day or whatever is coming up. Often they will understand and empathize with you. Getting the emotions on paper will help empty your mind and make space. You can journal separate from letters if you feel you want to work through a problem yourself. Writing helps you see reoccurring thoughts and patterns, and can help you change or bring awareness to them.

Cherish the little things

I make copies of my letters to my lover so I can go back and read them, and I keep all of his letters sorted and organized, revisiting them when necessary. Special pages from him such as poems, funny magazine clippings, and photos of us together (we are allowed photos where he is currently held) I may put on the wall or keep in sight in a photo album. Often he sends me lists of movies to watch and this gives us something to talk about besides our stressful days, allowing us to laugh and relate on a more joyful level. We read books together and discuss them, and we even listen to songs together during phone calls. Whatever makes you feel closer and more fulfilled, don’t hesitate to do or try it. It will make a world of difference.

Phone calls

Calls can be expensive, but they are priceless. No matter what is happening in my day, when I hear my spouses voice, everything seems to get lighter. Be willing to listen at all times even when you both may be having a bad day. It is worth it to stay on that call and resolve any issues if you have any, and you can help turn each others day around.

Get creative

My lover and I often draw little comics and characters in our letters. Sometimes I get stickers to decorate, or put quotes that inspire me into my letters too. I encourage you to tap into your inner child and have fun in all aspects of your life. You don’t have to be an artist to have creative energy, and it’s a more fun way to let go of stress. In your daily life, you can paint, draw, dance, sing, play music. Explore yourself and what makes you feel happy, and you will discover more tools to handle doubt when it surfaces.

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We are built to handle the ups and downs in life. When things get tough, remind yourself that it’s all going to be okay. The best way to handle life is one day, and one moment at a time. Know that this too shall pass, and that you are a powerful force capable of change, love and growth.

 

Courtney Cothran

My name is Courtney Cothran and I'm 26 years old. I have been a Licensed Massage Therapist for the last 4 years and frequently study philosophy, psychology, and other subjects related to my profession. I practice yoga, meditation, painting, and journaling to keep my mental and physical health in alignment. I have been a prison wife for almost 19 months. We have been together a total of 4.5 years and our relationship is still going strong through this trial. My heart goes out to all of you for your strength and resilience.

Ride Or Die ~ It’s Deeper Than That

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It seems like I may be one of the few who wasn’t tuned in to Gucci Mane and Keyshia’s hot topic wedding!  I will definitely check it out when BET airs it again which I’m sure they will soon.  But I did have a chance to check out the many, many posts and comments.  I can honestly say I’ve seen just as many supporting their marriage and sending the beautiful couple well wishes as I’ve seen those not in support of “ride or die” relationship.

For years, women have held their men down while doing their time.  It’s nothing new.  With more men in prison as the years go by, especially African American men, there will be even more women holding their men down.  There have even been straight up debates about some calling this marriage “relationship goals.”  Now, I don’t think anyone’s goal is to marry someone in prison.  It certainly wasn’t my goal.  But as life goes, the problems roll.

No one truly knows what they will do until they are in that situation.  Maybe the relationship goal is the fact that they didn’t give up on each other.  Several comments talked about how Gucci put her through hell by using drugs, cheating all that stuff that tends to come with the lifestyle.  But how many take the time to look beneath the surface of the person they’re in a relationship with?  Why are certain behaviors taking place?  There’s almost always some unresolved issue at the root.  Most of the time it’s the way that person was loved or not loved.  People show love the way they were shown love.  That’s all they know.  How can you give love if you haven’t truly experienced love?  Remember, hurting people hurt people.  It takes a different type of person to see beneath the surface.  Too many people are surface seers. Not too many want to use their X-ray vision to see beneath the surface.   There are no perfect people.  Therefore, all relationships will have problems now and then.  A relationship without problems is a problem.

When people are physically sick it’s expected that your spouse is there.  But not too many can handle a “mentally” sick spouse.  Gucci was obviously battling mental issues of some type, maybe not medically diagnosed, but his actions show that there was a problem.  If you’re human, you’re going to experience your own mental issues along the way.  It’s all about how we decide to cope with the issues.  Some can bounce back, while others get “lost in the sauce.”  Sometimes God sits people down to help them reorganize their state of mind. Who’s to say those that are “ride or die” gf/spouse aren’t specially equipped to be the peace and guidance for their lost spouses.

To be “ride or die” doesn’t make you dumb.   To be “ride or die” doesn’t make you weak.  You can be “ride or die” for someone in jail/prison or in the free world. You’re supposed to be “ride or die” for your spouse with God’s guidance.  Why take the vows for better or worse if you’re going to run soon as worse comes? So many of us say the God-centered vows but don’t put God at the center. The worse won’t be resolved overnight.  It takes time to unlearn the things you’ve learned for a lifetime.

Nope, we prison wives don’t know what the outcome will be.   But guess what, free world wives don’t know either.  We’re all wives wanting the best for our lives.

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make The Mister Woosah

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So I asked The Mister to come up with his 10 reasons prison visits make him “woosah”… my words.   He didn’t think he could get a good five but here’s what he came up with.  He asked me to “spice it up” but I decided just to give his words.

1. Getting away from all these dudes.

2. Seeing the people who love me.

3.  Being in my honey’s arms.

4.  Seeing how much my offspring have grown.

5.  Enjoying good meaningful conversations.

6.  Eating my chicken wings.

7.  Just being away from all the prison politics and activities.

8.  Feeling like me again.

9.  Being able to tell my wife how beautiful she is.

10.  Confessing my love and gratitude for my wife.

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make Prison Wives Woosah from the Mrs.

After reading his list and seeing how similar our lists are I couldn’t help but laugh.  Prison Visits are EVERYTHING to both family/friends of the incarcerated and to the incarcerated loved one.  It allows us the opportunity to just simply be us!

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make Prison Wives Woosah

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For Prison Wives prison visits are our WOOSAH!  Going days, months, and years for some without seeing our loved one is enough to drive both of us insane if you let it. Please don’t let it!  And to think, that a lot of prisons are turning to video visits is unbelievable!  The only little bit of normalcy we have left is being threatened.  To go without human contact physically is inhumane and is no way rehabilitative. But anyway, while we still have our visits, these are just some of the reasons prison visits mean so much to us! If you’re a PW add what the visits mean to you in the comments.

  1. We get to see our loved one walk through the doors with the biggest kool-aid smile ever!

2.  We get to talk about all those things we’ve been waiting to say (good, bad, and/or ugly) and can’t say because of recorded calls.  Some things are just better said in person.

3.  We get to have unlimited conversations that aren’t cut short because of the rude woman that jumps in and then has the nerve to disconnect the call right when the conversation is getting good!

4.  We get to be in the arms of the person we love and experience the long-awaited best 5 minutes (ok, I think five minutes may be pushing it) before and at the end of visit.

5.  We get to take care of our Baes by preparing the best vending machine entree fresh out the microwave, served on paper napkins topped off with nice vending cold drink!  If we get lucky, we may be able to feed it to him.

6.  We get to breathe the same air, be in the same space,and just simply enjoy each other’s presence.

7.  We even appreciate the little moments of silence together if there is a moment.

8.  We get to have the burden of “holding it all down” lifted  for that moment

9.  We get to listen to each other’s innermost thoughts and feelings that lies beneath the exterior that the world sees.

10.  We get to be a normal, loving couple…

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make The Mister Woosah