For the Lives of Prison Wives

Prison Life

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make Prison Wives Woosah

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For Prison Wives prison visits are our WOOSAH!  Going days, months, and years for some without seeing our loved one is enough to drive both of us insane if you let it. Please don’t let it!  And to think, that a lot of prisons are turning to video visits is unbelievable!  The only little bit of normalcy we have left is being threatened.  To go without human contact physically is inhumane and is no way rehabilitative. But anyway, while we still have our visits, these are just some of the reasons prison visits mean so much to us! If you’re a PW add what the visits mean to you in the comments.

  1. We get to see our loved one walk through the doors with the biggest kool-aid smile ever!

2.  We get to talk about all those things we’ve been waiting to say (good, bad, and/or ugly) and can’t say because of recorded calls.  Some things are just better said in person.

3.  We get to have unlimited conversations that aren’t cut short because of the rude woman that jumps in and then has the nerve to disconnect the call right when the conversation is getting good!

4.  We get to be in the arms of the person we love and experience the long-awaited best 5 minutes (ok, I think five minutes may be pushing it) before and at the end of visit.

5.  We get to take care of our Baes by preparing the best vending machine entree fresh out the microwave, served on paper napkins topped off with nice vending cold drink!  If we get lucky, we may be able to feed it to him.

6.  We get to breathe the same air, be in the same space,and just simply enjoy each other’s presence.

7.  We even appreciate the little moments of silence together if there is a moment.

8.  We get to have the burden of “holding it all down” lifted  for that moment

9.  We get to listen to each other’s innermost thoughts and feelings that lies beneath the exterior that the world sees.

10.  We get to be a normal, loving couple…

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make The Mister Woosah

Waiting for Our Prison Break

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No, we’re not waiting on a real life prison break, but we are waiting on a permanent break from prison!  It’s long overdue…

I wouldn’t have thought that the day my then-fiancé left home for the morning and hollered to me, “Baby, I’m gone,” that he would be gone for 12 years—literally—and he’s still gone. I often reflect back on his last words as a free man as he walked out the door.

My husband was arrested that day in 2005 and charged with drug conspiracy, money laundering, and gun possession. I was pregnant with our son, and our daughter was three years old at the time of his arrest. Our children are now in middle school and high school. We’ve done the best we can to maintain our family bond through the wall via visits, letters, emails, and phone calls. When my husband was first sentenced, we talked every day, but that eventually had to be lessened to once a week because the calls got too expensive. We then turned to more letter writing and eventually email. Out of all these years, we probably have visited only about 20 times due to the cost to travel so far to see him.

When we see each other, my husband is literally seeing the results of the stages of life that our children have gone through that he hasn’t been a part of. He has watched our children grow from infancy to childhood, to adolescence. I’m hoping and praying he doesn’t have to just watch them grow into young adulthood, and that he’ll be able to experience that growth with them. We have even watched each other change over the years from young adults to middle-aged. My Mister entered prison in his twenties and will be 40 this year. When I was visiting last time, he saw a gray strand of hair on my head for the first time! I think that gray strand of hair shocked us both into reality and reminded us of how long we’ve been at this prison thing and how we still have a while to go. I couldn’t help but imagine how long the couple seated near us had been visiting each other. He had come out gray-haired, wrinkled, and on a walker to visit with his wife, who was just as gray and wrinkled as he was.

With fewer visits and the children being caught up in their young teenage years, there are times that the kids don’t communicate with their dad as much as he’d like them to. It’s left up to me to keep the lines of communication open. So in addition to the stress of not having his freedom, he is also struggling with the fact that he sometimes feels like he’s not important to his children. The children also struggle with why their dad made some of the choices he made that put him where he is today. I try to explain to them that everyone’s lives go in stages. And people do make mistakes. However, some mistakes are more costly than others. I do believe that my husband made a mistake and is now paying the consequences for his mistake. He has served 12 years of his 22-½-year sentence, which is more than enough time to pay for his mistake.

Just as my husband has been made to come forward and admit his mistake, at what point will something be done about the mistakes that are made with harsh sentencing laws? How long must someone suffer for a nonviolent mistake of their youth?

My husband was raised by his father, who believed in a tough-love approach to parenting. He had to fend for himself at an early age. What he sought in life more than anything was his father’s approval. His father was able to visit with him and see the man he was praying for him to one day be. Unfortunately, he passed and they won’t be able to spend time together. Though he will not be able to spend time with his father, he still would like the opportunity to make new memories with his mother.  He is looking forward to the day they can be together again.

Before prison, though my husband appeared to have himself together to others, he was dying inside, from a young age. During his teenage years, he began to live a rebellious lifestyle. He graduated from high school and attended college, where he became even more rebellious. It was during those years that his life really began to spiral out of control as he began an addictive lifestyle of selling and using drugs. The streets made him a different person. Even through that rebellious stage, my husband still managed to graduate from college with a B.S. in Business.

He has realized the impact that his bad choices have made upon his family. It pains him daily to know that his actions have caused his children to grow up without him. He can’t wait for the day to experience life as a free father to his children, teaching them life lessons, becoming a productive member of society, and advocating for justice reform. It pains us daily to know that my husband has made the necessary efforts through rededicating his life to Christ, self-rehabilitation, attending classes, and good behavior, yet he still continues to serve time for a decade-old crime—as is the case with many incarcerated women and men.

Prison Visitation: #EveryMinuteMatters

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prison visitation

In the article, Our First Prison Visit, I mentioned the process visitors must go through when visiting a loved one during prison visitation. Yes, I do understand that it’s necessary for the prison system to screen visitors and have certain policies and procedures in place to keep prisoners and visitors safe and contraband out.  However, I have witnessed too many guards abusing their authority too many times, family members are subjected to overly rude guards that have no empathy for your situation. Like the Mr. stated in Rehabilitation, prisons aren’t hiring employees that genuinely care about the rehabilitation of prisoners. It seems as if all regard for family is dismissed when some, not all, but too many guards walk through the prison doors as if they don’t have a family of their own.

If you’re not given a hard time for the day, count your blessings because I guarantee someone is catching it.  I truly believe the visitation process is put in place to keep families separated.  I’ve heard so many family member of inmates say “I’m not coming back” or “I have to get my mind right just to come to visit”.  That’s just how much of a headache it can be from getting to the waiting area to the visitation room.  Yes, there is a dress code and rules to follow.  I get it, there has to be.  But a lot of times guards knit pick to prolong the process or are just nasty to you for no reason.  I’ve seen family members visits be denied after driving hours or flying, taking off work which all costs them money.   If something should happen where the unit is placed on lockdown and your loved one is in the clear and has nothing to do with what caused the lock down, there is a chance you will not be able to see him.  But guess what, should they go on lock down, they can’t call and let you know so that would just be a wasted trip.

Family members often don’t complain about what goes on out of fear of retaliation against their loved one by guards.  Or, out of fear that they will give you such a hard time at your next visitation.  The last visit I had almost ruined my Christmas.  We were so excited to be spending Christmas Eve with the Mr.  since we haven’t spent the holidays together since he’s been incarcerated.  Me, my dad, and the kids decided to make it a day trip.   We knew we would be on the road for about 9-10 hours that day.  Our plan was to be there when the doors opened at 8 and leave at 3.  Good plan, right?!!  Well, we didn’t leave on time, you know how it goes.  So, we got there during….COUNT TIME!!! NOOOO!!!!…This is the time where all inmates are counted nationally and the prison is locked down.  Sometime that can take up to two hours!  Visitation time that you and your loved one do not get to make up.  But, that was on us.

So now, we’ve lost about two hours of time plus we have to get processed, and there will be little food in the vending machines on Christmas Eve, with such a large group of visitors.  Of course, your walk to the back may be even longer depending on what side of the bed the guard woke up on.  And wouldn’t you know it! Our guard didn’t even wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  I think he must have slept on the damn flo!  Let the games begin!  My dad, my son and myself made it through with no trouble, but my daughter couldn’t go back because of her short sleeve shirt.  Well, normally we have extra clothes in the car but I’ve never been turned around for short sleeve shirts so I didn’t think that was a problem.   Oh yeah, I even have pictures we’ve taken in short sleeve shirts.

My dad obviously forgot how these guards can operate since he hadn’t been in three years, and was about to buck until I stepped in and said slowly–. “Daddy…you…can’t… do …that… right… now!  We have to get to the back first.”  Needless to say… me and my daughter made our infamous trip to WalMart and  bought a shirt.  The Mr. calls wondering where we are.  Well before I could get WalMart out of my mouth good, he already knew what time it was.  My daughter could hear him buckin through the phone.  She was cracking up!  All I know is I was explaining the situation to him and he shouts “I’m gone to the Lieutenent” …”Bam”…hello?…hello?  OK, I guess he’s gone to the Lt.  My daughter and I get back to the prison and have the guard now tell us she can’t go back because of her jeans.  Really sir?  So now I’m bout ready to buck like my daddy.  So we went back and forth about those jeans and he would not budge.  My daughter had a pair of pants in the car that I didn’t know she had, so she changed into those.  He still wasn’t going to budge, even though they were the same jeans we bought from Walmart last time we visited.  I eventually asked if there was someone I could see above him and he started to change his tune.  We finally got back there with about two hours remaining.

It’s difficult enough having a loved one incarcerated.  Is it necessary to complicate an already complicated situation?  According to Prison Legal News, “Studies have consistently found that prisoners who maintain close contact with their family members while incarcerated have better post-release outcomes and lower recidivism rates.”  Family is a significant part of rehabilitation.  Oh yeah, I forgot,  the goal of prison in America isn’t to rehabilitate, there’s no real interest in lowering the recidivism rate.

My Princess … A Daddy’s Love from Behind the Wall

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Let me tell you it’s such a surreal feeling every time I see My Little Princess, hell after serving 11 1/2 years of a 22 1/2 year sentence in federal prison you would understand exactly what I mean. Understand that when I was arrested she was 2 month’s shy of turning 3 years old but you would never know that if you were an outsider seeing us together. Out of all my kids, she and I are the closest, it’s not that I love her more than any of my other children, it’s that for the short time I was actually physically in her life, she was the only child I had the opportunity to spend my days and nights with, changed pampers and fixed bottles for. I used to get lost for hours with my Princess, I prided myself in being a good dad, taking her to her hair appointment’s, as well as our weekly trips to the mall’s to keep daddy’s little girl looking picture perfect. I miss those days, they cloud my mind every single day. Now because of my poor decisions and allowing my euphoric feelings to cloud my better judgment I am serving prison time. You never understand how much all the little moments mean until they are taken away or you are no longer able to participate in them. I have missed everything you can imagine a 3 year old doing until now, My Princess being the age of 14. Instead I wake every single morning now in a Low Security Prison surrounding by 1900 other men, much so in similar situation but very different realities!
My bad decisions have really affected my family and in doing so I have subjected them all to this life, it pains me deeply but I will say I don’t have an ordinary family, in fact more good has come out of this whole situation than anyone could imagine or try. Throughout all these years I have been able to witness my Princess blossom from a little girl skipping around the visiting room, to a young lady, catering to her daddy and having grown folk conversations. I tell my wife all the time what a wonderful job she is doing with her and my son, now my son that’s another story to come, he’s his unique self! Things could change for me real soon, still only time will tell, My Princess is now in High School, we talk about everything and I mean everything. When she talks about boys, I just tell her, sweetie, you have been raised right and taught to be responsible, so we trust you to make the best decisions and we are always in your corner. All I can do from behind these prison walls is be the best dad I am capable of being to deter any of my kids from making poor decisions that can affect their lives in the long run. We all agree that no matter what our situation or circumstances are, we all want what’s best for our children, I know I do. My happiest days are the days I am with my family, it’s the only time in here you can feel normal, those are the people whom love you completely, had my mind been in a rational place instead of in the streets I would have learned that over a decade ago. We live, we learn but we have to be willing to. My daughter has taught me so much, she is the only person that can just say daddy and I listen, whenever I do get home things will be different but don’t worry Princess Daddy got this….

Our First Prison Visit

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The first true prison visit was quite an experience.  We were so glad that my fiance had been designated after a year or two wait in the county jail.  We will get the chance to actually touch him, hug and kiss him.  He will finally get to hold our son for the first time.  He was hours  away in a rural area somewhere in the mountains.  No where you’d want to be caught in the dark! I remember it being a scary drive.  Thankfully, I was a rider this time since my parents went too.

We had no idea of what we were about to walk into, especially since this was our first time ever visiting a prison, not to mention a high security prison at that.   We finally got there after being lost.  We always manage to get lost because we’re literally just driving in the wilderness to get to a lot of these prisons.  We pull up and see all the barb wire fences, you know you see this stuff on TV,  but to experience it is still different.  I remember trying to be as normal as possible like this wasn’t my first trip,  but they can always tell the newbies!  That same nervous feeling I had at his sentencing was the same feeling I got walking into the prison.

The guards were walking around with stone faces and guns!  My children had never seen a gun. After signing in and making all the changes we were asked  (or rudely demanded) to make by the guards and clearing the metal detector, we walked to a small holding area to get our hand checked under a florescent  light to make sure it was stamped before we could proceed single file to the visitation room.  All kind of thoughts were running through my head…What have I done?! What has he done!…  I’ll be glad when he gets out of this mess, Damn! I can’t believe this!, wow!!!WOOWW!!! ….BAMMM!!!!!! Well the slamming of that HUGE HEAVY metal door made me jump right out of those thoughts!  Now, we’re locked in this little space until the guard leading us to the visitation building reaches a certain point.  If this is just a quick glimpse of what it’s like to be locked up…wow! No words!

We walked in a single file line to the visitation room where we were told where and how to sit until our family and/or friends came out.  All of the visitors constantly stared at the side door waiting for their family member to make his entrance.  When my fiance entered the door, my parents and myself were in total shock!  What happened to the man we knew?! We had to quickly fix our shocked faces.  He had gone from about 180 pounds to 250!! I was like whoa!!!… I thought people got into shape when they went to prison. LOL

He was so glad to finally hold our son and to reunite with our daughter.  Our son was now walking and two years old and our daughter was five.  They were so excited to see him!  He squatted down with open arms and they ran to him.  Now, my son ran to him following behind his sister since he really didn’t know what he looked like.  We always showed him pictures but looking at him at that moment the pictures were probably deceiving to a two year old. This was just the first visit of many to come…

One less thought,

Real Wife