For the Lives of Prison Wives

Prison Life

Hello From the Other Side: A Son’s Intro to His Father

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So the day has finally come for my son to be introduced to his father!  After several telephone calls explaining his features and “first moments”,  you know the first babble, the first table food experience, the first steps, the first day at daycare, first potty training attempts he finally gets to see him in person.  No, this is not at all what I envisioned for my son, but we just have to make the best of it.

Once we arrive, I go through the normal visitation screening,  walk by all the other inmates and their visitors talking to each other by phone and staring at each other through that foggy nasty glass until I arrive at my fiance’s partition.  The look on his face as he sees his son for the first time is still etched in my mind although it’s somewhat indescribable.  Right at that moment, I wish I knew the exact thought that went through his head.  As I picked up the phone to speak, I watched him study all the features I tried to vividly explain over those phone calls.

I think he was amazed at the mini him he saw sitting in front of him.  At that time, my son was a few months old so most of our time was spent talking about him while they gazed at each other.  I know my son won’t remember his first intro, but I will always remember.  It was a bittersweet moment.  Bitter in that he wasn’t there when he was born and we only had thirty minutes through a glass.  He couldn’t even touch him.  Sweet in that, he was able to see finally see his son and I got a chance to witness their moment.

Unfortunately, this has become the norm for a lot of families.  To visit jails and prisons and see the many children that come to see their fathers knowing they will return home without their fathers is heart breaking.  No, I don’t know the crimes that they all have committed, however, I do know there must be consequences.  Nevertheless, the crime of family divisiveness is being committed by the justice system.  The justice system I believe is serving the point it intended to serve, to break the family unit especially in African American communities.  Why not truly rehabilitate the incarcerated?

One Less Thought,

Real Wife

The Walking Dead: Losing a Loved One to Prison

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The Walking Dead:  Losing a loved one to prison. As I mentioned in the article, “You Have a Collect Call From ___ At the County Jail”, I experienced so many different emotions.  One minute I would be ok with the situation, the next minute I would be upset with my fiancè.  I would try to remain on a high for my kids, but it was difficult at times.  After being settled, of course, there were songs or items left behind that reminded me of him.

How is Losing a Loved One to Prison Like the Walking Dead?

I often would pass boxes of stuff from the house that had been packed up and be reminded of the good and bad times we shared.  I experienced the stages of grief that people experience when someone dies.  We go through certain emotions in our lives, but we just go through them without identifying what the experience truly is.  I didn’t realize until recently that what I was going through was grief.  And that grief is a process.

The emotions I felt were perfectly normal.  The stages of grief followed after the traumatic experience (the arrest) took place.   The stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, forgiveness and my New Norm.

Denial

After accepting the phone call and hearing the news that he was arrested, we still were hopeful that he’d be coming back home soon.  Even after sitting in the court room hearing the judge give a sentence of almost life we still believed something would happen.  But it was the fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what to expect for this new lifestyle that was about to take place immediately. The fear of not knowing if we’d stay together or part ways.  The fear of prison life itself.  The fear of the kids not having their father.  Denial takes place as a result of blocking out traumatic events that are too painful to deal with.

Anger

For those of you in the situation, I’m sure you’ve said too many times if only you would have listened,  you would be here now!!  I found myself playing conversations over and over in my head of me and others talking until we couldn’t talk anymore about changing his lifestyle.  I was MAD because I was by myself with the kids, MAD because I had to move back home, MAD because you won’t be here to raise the kids, MAD because my finances alone are going to have to be enough, MAD because I couldn’t even pick up the phone and call you to tell you how MAD I was….JUST MAD!!!!!!!!  I eventually redirected my anger by focusing on my kids.and prayer.

Bargaining

After sifting through all the emotions, we made the decision to continue the relationship by rebuilding and restoring trust.  We both read books that would help us grow.  Talked about the books and attempted to communicate using the tools we learned from premarital counseling before his incarceration.

Depression

After the bargain was made, I felt good about the decision and relief that a decision was made.  You know how stressful decision making can be especially humongous decisions like this one.  Well, there were times that depression would still creep up and try to take over.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not something that came overnight.  It took time.   We accepted the fact that our situation is what it is.  We both know that this was needed and are grateful that it took place.  However, I will add that a lot of sentences given to Black and Brown people are not just.  But, back to acceptance it definitely was God that got me to this point where I’m content in the moment.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have my days.  But I know how to pick myself up from those low places and I pick myself up with God’s help before I go too low.

Forgiveness

There was a time when I would constantly throw the past at my husband.  If you’re still living in the past you’re not allowing yourself to move forward.  Throwing up the past brings out all the negative emotions.  The only reason I’m able to share this part of my life with you now is because I was able to forgive.  I will NEVER forget and I don’t want to forget.  It’s because I remember that I am able to help others in my situation.

Remember, grief is a process.  If you find yourself down and out too long, seek professional help.

One Less Thought

Real Wife

You Have A Collect Call From ____ At The County Jail

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Today has been a real reality check!!  My daughter started her first day of HIGH SCHOOL and my son started his first day of Middle School.  I can’t believe the time has gone by so fast.  I’m not one to show my emotions too much but this got me.  It was 11 years ago, my sons age, that I received that dreaded call,  “You have a collect call from the ___ County Jail.”  Never did I think that 11 years later he’d still be there, well in prison.

The Call

The day I received the call, my heart dropped and I immediately thought to myself…”you done #$^$#% up now.”  But since we had started premarital counseling I learned how to communicate a little better.   I didn’t let those exact words fly from my mouth.  But my fiancé was convinced that he would be home in a couple of days.  I felt it, I knew better but I remained hopeful.  Now, let me clarify, I do believe people must receive consequences for the things they do wrong but that’s not what this post is about.

I was pregnant, and my daughter was three years old.  Day after day I continued to talk to his attorney but all efforts failed.  I held out as long as I could to keep from mentioning his arrest to my parents.  But of course, you know parents know when something just isn’t right.  They know their children and can sense trouble miles away.  To make a long story short, I had no choice but to break the news to them.  I continued to stay at our home thinking that soon something would give.  Our son was due in a few months and I thought he’d be out by then even if he was released until a reporting date. WRONG!! No release point, blank, period.  I was experiencing all kinds of emotions:  mad, sad, frustrated, depressed, angry, embarrassed, betrayed, lonely, abandoned, fear.  You name it I probably felt it.

The only thing that kept me sane at that moment was God.  I constantly prayed.  All I knew was if I had to deal with post par tum depression in addition to what was going on I just might have cracked right on up.  But I continued to pray for peace and strength to get through each day.   Thankfully, when my son was born, I didn’t experience not one bit of depression!  I had to wait to hear from my fiancé to share the news of our son’s arrival, the delivery experience and of course he wanted to know who he looked like.

The Move

I eventually had to move back home.  Now, you know when you move out of your parents home, the last thing you want to do is to move back.  Oh well, life happens.  I didn’t experience post par tum depression but I did experience I Gotta Move Back Home Depression.  Not just move back home depression, but I gotta move back home with my kids and my fiance in prison depression.  I can laugh now but OMG!  Those were some painful days! But I was thankful to have the support of my family and friends.

My New Normal

After months of depression and just feeling lost, I knew I had to find a way to support my children and myself.  The collect calls became way too expensive.  We had to rely on letter writing.  I don’t think I had written a letter since middle or high school.  As time went on, I knew I had to support my children and myself.  I had a degree in biology so I took a job as a science teacher.  I must say that was the best therapy for me.  I was able to step away from the reality of my situation for 8 hours of the day not to mention get quite a few good laughs in with my students.  They actually helped to bring me life at a pretty trying time.

So why am I sharing this?  I’m sharing this for those of you that will go through and are going through this situation.  It’s not easy.  It will get easier.  You will learn to live your new norm but it will remain difficult.  Especially if children are involved.  There is a stigma that comes with families who have loved ones incarcerated.  And especially to those who decide to marry or stay married to their husbands.  Just know that you are not alone.  There are several of us that are experiencing these roller coaster emotions.

 

Hello from the Other Side: A Daughter’s Memoir

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When I was 3 years old and my brother hadn’t been born our dad was arrested. I can remember vividly my dad not returning home and asking my mom when he was coming back. I later learned that he was in jail. He was sentenced to 21 years in prison. This was the most horrifying thing I experienced as a 3 year old.
I very faintly remember moving to my grandparent’s house. Packing up all of my toys into boxes. Stuff was everywhere you stepped. Pots and pans all over the kitchen, clothes across the couches, covers over the TV, everything was a mess. We had many good times but I remember one night when I received a letter from my daddy and my mom and I were sitting on the top bunk of the bed. It was the summer of Kindergarten when I was 6 and my mom helped me read the letter he wrote in cursive. I can’t exactly remember what the letter said but my mom and I were sitting there crying.
“I know you miss him. I do too,” my mom mumbled.
“When is he coming home mommy?” I cried.
Eventually we moved into our very own house. It was so beautiful and I was so happy to finally have a place to call my home. I had my very own room and no longer had to share with my brother. My room was yellow, I had a full bed, flower drapes, and stuffed animals everywhere. My room was the cutest room in the whole house.
After while my brother started to notice that his friends dads were around but his wasn’t so, he asked my mom where he was out of the blue. My brother finally was old enough to understand at about 5 years old. My mom explained to him the best she could and he was a smart child so he understood.
We went to visit my dad every Summer. He moved to many different places all the way from high to low security prisons. I hated visiting him when he was in high security prisons because I couldn’t hug him or sit in his lap. That’s very important to a daughter because I’d always been a daddy’s girl. He would take me anywhere I wanted from mall to mall getting me any and every thing I could ever want as a little 3 year old child and I really missed that.
Then he got moved down to medium security prison. It was better and worst visiting my dad. It was better because we could hug, talk without using a phone, and even take pictures. The worst thing was it was so hard to dress nice because you would have to take anything that had metal in it off and it was a real pain in the butt.
This one time my mom had to go all the way back to the hotel to change because she had sandals on but I could wear sandals. It made all of us so mad.
“These rules are so stupid!” exclaimed my mom.  “ What’s so bad about sandals mommy?” I asked curiously.
“I really don’t know” responded my mom angrily.
We went back and they took us back to the visitation room where we waited anxiously for my dad to come out. When he came out everybody was so excited. My brother and I ran and jumped in my dad’s arms as he lifted us off the ground.
“Daddy!” shouted my brother and I.
“Hey Lil’ Buddy!” my dad excitedly said to my brother.
“Hey My Princess!” my dad said as he kissed my cheek.
We walked over to the seats where the rest of the family was he hugged my Grandmother and Grandaddy, and kissed my mom. The adults sat and talked while my brother and I were playing board games. They said they needed some adult time. I still was being nosey and overheard my dad talking about how tired of prison he was. He’d been there for 10 years and everybody felt his pain. But I was just patiently waiting for my favorite part of the visit. My 1 on 1 time with my dad.
Every time I would go and visit my dad we would have 1 on 1 daddy and daughter time. I always loved that time because we can just talk and keep things between us. This is what kept our relationship so strong.
“So, how’s daddy’s princess been?” he said as I sat in his lap.
“Good,” I responded.
“Have you been missing me?” asked my dad.
“Yes, daddy how would I not?” I replied.
“I just wanted to hear that,” my dad said as he chuckled.
We would continue to talk until it was my brother’s turn to get his time. I would always get jealous because I wanted all the time to myself. I’m really selfish when it comes to time with him.
Sometimes I didn’t like going to school because I’d always have to lie about my situation. I don’t want everybody to know because I feel like if I tell certain people I would be looked upon as a whole different person. Just because my dad made a mistake and is in prison doesn’t mean that, that makes me a different person. I still am who I am and nothing’s going to change that. Only a few of my best friends know. I knew they wouldn’t judge me because of this one thing and I love all those friends for that.
One day when I was in 5th grade I remember having my purple sweater dress on with white polka dots, in mid September, skipping from recess when my teacher stopped me. She asked if my parents were divorced because she’s never seen my dad at any PTA meetings or performances. To me this was really none of her business but I told a lie like I always did. I never answered so she just assumed my parents were divorced.
“How often do you visit your dad? My children go see their dad during the summer,” my teacher said.
“I see my dad in the summer too,” I replied.
“Where does your dad live? He must live far if he never goes to your performances,” she said.
“He lives in Virginia,” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“Do you know what he does for work?” she asked.
I didn’t know what to say so I started to think of manly jobs really quickly. I flashed back to when my friend told me her dad was a coal miner.
“He’s a coal miner,” I said as I walked inside from recess.
I didn’t want her to ask me questions about my dad unremittingly so I walked back to the classroom. Ever since then a teacher never has asked me about my personal life like that.
Now my dad has moved to a low security prison and I haven’t seen him in two years. It’s been hard but he calls my phone a lot and we can email whenever we want. He may be able to get out early but we will never know until that time. I want him here but at the same time I’m nervous. It would be so different having him around after all these years without him here with us. Things would probably change for everybody in the house. I really hope there will be good changes and no bad changes. This is going to be hard but this situation has made my family strong and we can get through anything together.

Daddy’s Princess

Inmate to You, Husband to Me

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There are several types of “non-traditional” relationships that take place today.  Every time I think I’ve heard it all, I learn of something new.  Yes, some shock me but who am I to judge when my husband and I are a part of the “non-traditional” crew.  I’m sure our relationship shocks people as well.  I couldn’t fight the urge to respond to the comments from the article, “Boyfriend Proposed from Behind Bars Should I Say Yes?” by Dr. Buck.  Similar to the young lady who wrote Dr. Buck, I too dated my now husband who was and is currently serving a long-term sentence.  “Who does that?”… I know, I know… just as some of the comments stated, only a weak, lonely, low self-esteem having pathetic woman.  Honestly, I never could have imagined that I would be a “prison wife.”  This is not the type of relationship I sought.  But hey, love is love.  The love you feel or have for your significant other is the love I have for mine.  Love is a decision.  Is your decision any better than mine?

I’m blessed to be surrounded by non-judgmental  family and friends that support me if I’m with or without my husband.  That same unconditional love they have for me is the same unconditional love I have for him.  I recall reading a post that said the difference between relationships of the past versus relationships of today is people of the past fixed things that were broken where as people of today throw broken things away.  Our relationship was truly broken prior to his incarceration but we’re thankful for the fix.  We’ve both done a great deal of work to correct our wrongs and grow together.  It’s a risk no different from the risk that people of “traditional” relationships take.

I sit and look at the number of unhappy women that are dating men in the “free world” and have yet to experience that one true love.  Women who have kissed and are still kissing their many frogs to find that one prince.  Even women whom have husbands experience ups and downs in their marriages as my husband and I do.  I trust and believe God for our marriage just as you do for yours. There are good and bad men in prison just as there are good and bad men in the “free world”.  At some time or another, all women will have to stand by their man for something.  It’s up to us to decide what we choose to stand by.

Believe it or not, it takes strength to go to bed alone at night knowing your husband isn’t their physically.  It takes strength to be the only “uncoupled” wife in a sea of “coupled” husbands and wives.  It takes strength to patiently wait on a phone call to tell your husband the highs and lows of the day instead of being able to pick up the phone and dial his number.  It takes strength to express to others your socially unaccepted “non-traditional” marriage.

Do I think I’m a weak, lonely, low self-esteem having pathetic woman? … Nah, I’m just like you, a woman in love.  Open your mind a little, don’t be so judgmental.

One Less Thought…

Real Wife

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