For the Lives of Prison Wives

son

I Love You But I Don’t Know You

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Last week it was my daughter and my husband beefing. This week it’s my son and my husband. Now, as I mentioned before, when they were younger it was all good. But now that they are teens, and able to make their own decisions, my husband expects them to communicate with him more. Well, they are so caught up in their friends and own lives that they don’t make the time to do it.  The Mr. doesn’t want to hear the “I was busy” story.

I always know when they’re upset with the Mr. because they come to me with this pitiful looks on their face and phone in their hand ready to “tell”  on their dad. It’s funny because he’s already talked to me and we’re on the same page by time they get to me.  I have to remind them that he’s not here so he’s missing being here with them and seeing them grow up.  He’s looking at this as if they can be on their phone throughout most of the day texting friends and playing games then they should be able to send a simple text.

I guess since life is at a standstill in there, sometimes I don’t think the Mister realizes or forgets how fast-paced life is out here.  And before you know it, the day has gone without saying something.  I don’t know, of course, we I don’t go a day without checking in but I’m also not a child.  I know in order for us to make it communication is major.  But for my kids, especially my son, they really don’t know each other.

I love you but I don’t know you

I was pregnant with my son when the Mister was locked up.  So no matter how much I try to force the relationship, I had to come to the realization that they love each other but they don’t know each other.  My son can’t wait for the day his dad will be home!  But at this moment, he doesn’t really know him.  I had to really take a moment and listen to my husband explain his feelings to me.  In the beginning, I became defensive because I want them to have a normal relationship.  But after talking to my mom about it, she told me I need to hear what he’s saying and not get upset about it.  This is just a result of the circumstance.  It’s not intentional.  But to hear my husband say he does better with text because he doesn’t always know what to say I was like wow… this is really deeper than I thought!   I never thought about him being at a lost for words.  Especially since he’s a talker.  He wants to say more but he doesn’t know what to say all the time.

Now when they’re together, they’re able to have decent conversations.  One thing the two of them bond over are movies.  So that will be their thing when he gets here.  I honestly, don’t know what to expect when he gets here.   My mom suggested that we get family counseling which me and the Mister think is necessary to make the transition less challenging.  Whew…somethings just have to happen when and how they’re going to happen…

My suggestions for those that met their parent behind bars:

  1.  Keep the line of communication open between the child and parent.
  2. With young kids sit down and help them write or email their parent once or twice a month.
  3. Be open to listening to the feelings of the parent and child without being judgmental.
  4. When they become teens…. I don’t have an answer!  LOL!! Still at a lost, had to let it go and let God!
  5. Seek counseling when the parent is released.  Individual counseling for the child before the release may also be helpful.

 

Hello From the Other Side: A Son’s Intro to His Father

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So the day has finally come for my son to be introduced to his father!  After several telephone calls explaining his features and “first moments”,  you know the first babble, the first table food experience, the first steps, the first day at daycare, first potty training attempts he finally gets to see him in person.  No, this is not at all what I envisioned for my son, but we just have to make the best of it.

Once we arrive, I go through the normal visitation screening,  walk by all the other inmates and their visitors talking to each other by phone and staring at each other through that foggy nasty glass until I arrive at my fiance’s partition.  The look on his face as he sees his son for the first time is still etched in my mind although it’s somewhat indescribable.  Right at that moment, I wish I knew the exact thought that went through his head.  As I picked up the phone to speak, I watched him study all the features I tried to vividly explain over those phone calls.

I think he was amazed at the mini him he saw sitting in front of him.  At that time, my son was a few months old so most of our time was spent talking about him while they gazed at each other.  I know my son won’t remember his first intro, but I will always remember.  It was a bittersweet moment.  Bitter in that he wasn’t there when he was born and we only had thirty minutes through a glass.  He couldn’t even touch him.  Sweet in that, he was able to see finally see his son and I got a chance to witness their moment.

Unfortunately, this has become the norm for a lot of families.  To visit jails and prisons and see the many children that come to see their fathers knowing they will return home without their fathers is heart breaking.  No, I don’t know the crimes that they all have committed, however, I do know there must be consequences.  Nevertheless, the crime of family divisiveness is being committed by the justice system.  The justice system I believe is serving the point it intended to serve, to break the family unit especially in African American communities.  Why not truly rehabilitate the incarcerated?

One Less Thought,

Real Wife