For the Lives of Prison Wives

prison

Our First Prison Visit

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The first true prison visit was quite an experience.  We were so glad that my fiance had been designated after a year or two wait in the county jail.  We will get the chance to actually touch him, hug and kiss him.  He will finally get to hold our son for the first time.  He was hours  away in a rural area somewhere in the mountains.  No where you’d want to be caught in the dark! I remember it being a scary drive.  Thankfully, I was a rider this time since my parents went too.

We had no idea of what we were about to walk into, especially since this was our first time ever visiting a prison, not to mention a high security prison at that.   We finally got there after being lost.  We always manage to get lost because we’re literally just driving in the wilderness to get to a lot of these prisons.  We pull up and see all the barb wire fences, you know you see this stuff on TV,  but to experience it is still different.  I remember trying to be as normal as possible like this wasn’t my first trip,  but they can always tell the newbies!  That same nervous feeling I had at his sentencing was the same feeling I got walking into the prison.

The guards were walking around with stone faces and guns!  My children had never seen a gun. After signing in and making all the changes we were asked  (or rudely demanded) to make by the guards and clearing the metal detector, we walked to a small holding area to get our hand checked under a florescent  light to make sure it was stamped before we could proceed single file to the visitation room.  All kind of thoughts were running through my head…What have I done?! What has he done!…  I’ll be glad when he gets out of this mess, Damn! I can’t believe this!, wow!!!WOOWW!!! ….BAMMM!!!!!! Well the slamming of that HUGE HEAVY metal door made me jump right out of those thoughts!  Now, we’re locked in this little space until the guard leading us to the visitation building reaches a certain point.  If this is just a quick glimpse of what it’s like to be locked up…wow! No words!

We walked in a single file line to the visitation room where we were told where and how to sit until our family and/or friends came out.  All of the visitors constantly stared at the side door waiting for their family member to make his entrance.  When my fiance entered the door, my parents and myself were in total shock!  What happened to the man we knew?! We had to quickly fix our shocked faces.  He had gone from about 180 pounds to 250!! I was like whoa!!!… I thought people got into shape when they went to prison. LOL

He was so glad to finally hold our son and to reunite with our daughter.  Our son was now walking and two years old and our daughter was five.  They were so excited to see him!  He squatted down with open arms and they ran to him.  Now, my son ran to him following behind his sister since he really didn’t know what he looked like.  We always showed him pictures but looking at him at that moment the pictures were probably deceiving to a two year old. This was just the first visit of many to come…

One less thought,

Real Wife

 

Hello From the Other Side: A Son’s Intro to His Father

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So the day has finally come for my son to be introduced to his father!  After several telephone calls explaining his features and “first moments”,  you know the first babble, the first table food experience, the first steps, the first day at daycare, first potty training attempts he finally gets to see him in person.  No, this is not at all what I envisioned for my son, but we just have to make the best of it.

Once we arrive, I go through the normal visitation screening,  walk by all the other inmates and their visitors talking to each other by phone and staring at each other through that foggy nasty glass until I arrive at my fiance’s partition.  The look on his face as he sees his son for the first time is still etched in my mind although it’s somewhat indescribable.  Right at that moment, I wish I knew the exact thought that went through his head.  As I picked up the phone to speak, I watched him study all the features I tried to vividly explain over those phone calls.

I think he was amazed at the mini him he saw sitting in front of him.  At that time, my son was a few months old so most of our time was spent talking about him while they gazed at each other.  I know my son won’t remember his first intro, but I will always remember.  It was a bittersweet moment.  Bitter in that he wasn’t there when he was born and we only had thirty minutes through a glass.  He couldn’t even touch him.  Sweet in that, he was able to see finally see his son and I got a chance to witness their moment.

Unfortunately, this has become the norm for a lot of families.  To visit jails and prisons and see the many children that come to see their fathers knowing they will return home without their fathers is heart breaking.  No, I don’t know the crimes that they all have committed, however, I do know there must be consequences.  Nevertheless, the crime of family divisiveness is being committed by the justice system.  The justice system I believe is serving the point it intended to serve, to break the family unit especially in African American communities.  Why not truly rehabilitate the incarcerated?

One Less Thought,

Real Wife

Married Single Mom

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Have you ever heard of a married single mom? I hadn’t either until it innocently slipped from my mouth when I was explaining my marital status to a few ladies I met.  I was at a book club meeting for the first time and of course we all had to introduce ourselves.   As everyone is going around introducing themselves, I start coming up with my intro in my head. I’m such the over thinker. What will I say?  I’m clearly walking around with my wedding ring on, so they will know I’m married.  But, if I don’t mention my husband but mention my kids, that looks crazy.  Should I just tell them where he is?  Uh…think quick…It’s almost your turn!

Hi! I’m Danielle, and I’m married but single. The looks on their faces were like, is she crazy?  Married but single? What does that mean?  If I’m not mistaken, one girl even asked, “You’re married but single?” I can’t help but laugh at myself at how crazy that sounds.  So, I went on and explained my situation.  I’m married but my husband is in prison.  We have two children and I function as a single mom.  “Oh, ok… we get it.”  One of the girls even went on to explain that a family member of hers was in a similar situation.  I truly appreciated that the girls weren’t judgmental.

Although my husband is in prison, I do my best to keep him in the loop of things.  The system definitely isn’t designed to assist you with keeping your family together. Honestly, if you don’t fight to keep your family together, it will be destroyed.  Part of being a married single mom is making sure that we still make decisions together about major things. Especially the kids.  When my daughter spent the night away for the first time, it wasn’t a decision I made on my own.  We decided that together.  They know that I’m going to run whatever it is by their dad before a final answer is given just as if he were at home.  So to my married single moms, don’t forget to make an extra effort to include your husband in the decision making process.  He may be away but the children will still feel his presence.

 

The Walking Dead: Losing a Loved One to Prison

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The Walking Dead:  Losing a loved one to prison. As I mentioned in the article, “You Have a Collect Call From ___ At the County Jail”, I experienced so many different emotions.  One minute I would be ok with the situation, the next minute I would be upset with my fiancè.  I would try to remain on a high for my kids, but it was difficult at times.  After being settled, of course, there were songs or items left behind that reminded me of him.

How is Losing a Loved One to Prison Like the Walking Dead?

I often would pass boxes of stuff from the house that had been packed up and be reminded of the good and bad times we shared.  I experienced the stages of grief that people experience when someone dies.  We go through certain emotions in our lives, but we just go through them without identifying what the experience truly is.  I didn’t realize until recently that what I was going through was grief.  And that grief is a process.

The emotions I felt were perfectly normal.  The stages of grief followed after the traumatic experience (the arrest) took place.   The stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, forgiveness and my New Norm.

Denial

After accepting the phone call and hearing the news that he was arrested, we still were hopeful that he’d be coming back home soon.  Even after sitting in the court room hearing the judge give a sentence of almost life we still believed something would happen.  But it was the fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what to expect for this new lifestyle that was about to take place immediately. The fear of not knowing if we’d stay together or part ways.  The fear of prison life itself.  The fear of the kids not having their father.  Denial takes place as a result of blocking out traumatic events that are too painful to deal with.

Anger

For those of you in the situation, I’m sure you’ve said too many times if only you would have listened,  you would be here now!!  I found myself playing conversations over and over in my head of me and others talking until we couldn’t talk anymore about changing his lifestyle.  I was MAD because I was by myself with the kids, MAD because I had to move back home, MAD because you won’t be here to raise the kids, MAD because my finances alone are going to have to be enough, MAD because I couldn’t even pick up the phone and call you to tell you how MAD I was….JUST MAD!!!!!!!!  I eventually redirected my anger by focusing on my kids.and prayer.

Bargaining

After sifting through all the emotions, we made the decision to continue the relationship by rebuilding and restoring trust.  We both read books that would help us grow.  Talked about the books and attempted to communicate using the tools we learned from premarital counseling before his incarceration.

Depression

After the bargain was made, I felt good about the decision and relief that a decision was made.  You know how stressful decision making can be especially humongous decisions like this one.  Well, there were times that depression would still creep up and try to take over.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not something that came overnight.  It took time.   We accepted the fact that our situation is what it is.  We both know that this was needed and are grateful that it took place.  However, I will add that a lot of sentences given to Black and Brown people are not just.  But, back to acceptance it definitely was God that got me to this point where I’m content in the moment.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have my days.  But I know how to pick myself up from those low places and I pick myself up with God’s help before I go too low.

Forgiveness

There was a time when I would constantly throw the past at my husband.  If you’re still living in the past you’re not allowing yourself to move forward.  Throwing up the past brings out all the negative emotions.  The only reason I’m able to share this part of my life with you now is because I was able to forgive.  I will NEVER forget and I don’t want to forget.  It’s because I remember that I am able to help others in my situation.

Remember, grief is a process.  If you find yourself down and out too long, seek professional help.

One Less Thought

Real Wife

You Have A Collect Call From ____ At The County Jail

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Today has been a real reality check!!  My daughter started her first day of HIGH SCHOOL and my son started his first day of Middle School.  I can’t believe the time has gone by so fast.  I’m not one to show my emotions too much but this got me.  It was 11 years ago, my sons age, that I received that dreaded call,  “You have a collect call from the ___ County Jail.”  Never did I think that 11 years later he’d still be there, well in prison.

The Call

The day I received the call, my heart dropped and I immediately thought to myself…”you done #$^$#% up now.”  But since we had started premarital counseling I learned how to communicate a little better.   I didn’t let those exact words fly from my mouth.  But my fiancé was convinced that he would be home in a couple of days.  I felt it, I knew better but I remained hopeful.  Now, let me clarify, I do believe people must receive consequences for the things they do wrong but that’s not what this post is about.

I was pregnant, and my daughter was three years old.  Day after day I continued to talk to his attorney but all efforts failed.  I held out as long as I could to keep from mentioning his arrest to my parents.  But of course, you know parents know when something just isn’t right.  They know their children and can sense trouble miles away.  To make a long story short, I had no choice but to break the news to them.  I continued to stay at our home thinking that soon something would give.  Our son was due in a few months and I thought he’d be out by then even if he was released until a reporting date. WRONG!! No release point, blank, period.  I was experiencing all kinds of emotions:  mad, sad, frustrated, depressed, angry, embarrassed, betrayed, lonely, abandoned, fear.  You name it I probably felt it.

The only thing that kept me sane at that moment was God.  I constantly prayed.  All I knew was if I had to deal with post par tum depression in addition to what was going on I just might have cracked right on up.  But I continued to pray for peace and strength to get through each day.   Thankfully, when my son was born, I didn’t experience not one bit of depression!  I had to wait to hear from my fiancé to share the news of our son’s arrival, the delivery experience and of course he wanted to know who he looked like.

The Move

I eventually had to move back home.  Now, you know when you move out of your parents home, the last thing you want to do is to move back.  Oh well, life happens.  I didn’t experience post par tum depression but I did experience I Gotta Move Back Home Depression.  Not just move back home depression, but I gotta move back home with my kids and my fiance in prison depression.  I can laugh now but OMG!  Those were some painful days! But I was thankful to have the support of my family and friends.

My New Normal

After months of depression and just feeling lost, I knew I had to find a way to support my children and myself.  The collect calls became way too expensive.  We had to rely on letter writing.  I don’t think I had written a letter since middle or high school.  As time went on, I knew I had to support my children and myself.  I had a degree in biology so I took a job as a science teacher.  I must say that was the best therapy for me.  I was able to step away from the reality of my situation for 8 hours of the day not to mention get quite a few good laughs in with my students.  They actually helped to bring me life at a pretty trying time.

So why am I sharing this?  I’m sharing this for those of you that will go through and are going through this situation.  It’s not easy.  It will get easier.  You will learn to live your new norm but it will remain difficult.  Especially if children are involved.  There is a stigma that comes with families who have loved ones incarcerated.  And especially to those who decide to marry or stay married to their husbands.  Just know that you are not alone.  There are several of us that are experiencing these roller coaster emotions.