For the Lives of Prison Wives

prison wife

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make Prison Wives Woosah

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For Prison Wives prison visits are our WOOSAH!  Going days, months, and years for some without seeing our loved one is enough to drive both of us insane if you let it. Please don’t let it!  And to think, that a lot of prisons are turning to video visits is unbelievable!  The only little bit of normalcy we have left is being threatened.  To go without human contact physically is inhumane and is no way rehabilitative. But anyway, while we still have our visits, these are just some of the reasons prison visits mean so much to us! If you’re a PW add what the visits mean to you in the comments.

  1. We get to see our loved one walk through the doors with the biggest kool-aid smile ever!

2.  We get to talk about all those things we’ve been waiting to say (good, bad, and/or ugly) and can’t say because of recorded calls.  Some things are just better said in person.

3.  We get to have unlimited conversations that aren’t cut short because of the rude woman that jumps in and then has the nerve to disconnect the call right when the conversation is getting good!

4.  We get to be in the arms of the person we love and experience the long-awaited best 5 minutes (ok, I think five minutes may be pushing it) before and at the end of visit.

5.  We get to take care of our Baes by preparing the best vending machine entree fresh out the microwave, served on paper napkins topped off with nice vending cold drink!  If we get lucky, we may be able to feed it to him.

6.  We get to breathe the same air, be in the same space,and just simply enjoy each other’s presence.

7.  We even appreciate the little moments of silence together if there is a moment.

8.  We get to have the burden of “holding it all down” lifted  for that moment

9.  We get to listen to each other’s innermost thoughts and feelings that lies beneath the exterior that the world sees.

10.  We get to be a normal, loving couple…

10 Reasons Prison Visits Make The Mister Woosah

Do You Know What Today Is? It’s Our Anniversary! Our Prison Wedding

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Relationship

Do You Know What Today Is? It's Our Anniversary!! Our Prison Wedding!!

Picture of Danielle Williams

Danielle Williams

I can’t believe four years have already passed since me and the Mr. said I do!  This week four years ago two of my sister-friends went with me to take that leap.  I often dreamed of my dream wedding, like most ladies do.  You know the colors, who would be my bridesmaids? Where would it be?  Who would attend? All that good stuff!  Of course, I never imagined a prison wedding! But,  hey it’s not about the wedding it’s about true unconditional love, right?  And boy if this isn’t unconditional, I don’t know what is!  LOL!

Being that this was a “prison wedding” all the intricate details in my head had to be put on hold because… I had to follow the guidelines of the prison!  Only two people could accompany me.  My parents couldn’t attend because they stayed with our kids.  That’s why I was so grateful for such great friends.  We left in the early morning hours headed to South Carolina.  We had to be there before the close of the business day to get the marriage license.  We made it there within 30 minutes of closing.  Then we drove to our hotel close to the prison.  They both treated me by driving there and back.  Nothing like getting good sleep on a long ride.

When we got there, we went out to eat and my sister-friends surprised me with my wedding gifts! They did everything to make this non-traditional wedding as traditional as they possibly could. We had a good time talking, laughing, crying and reminiscing about how we planned our lives when we were younger and the routes our lives have led us to today.  Not that our lives are in bad places, just that we could have never predicted the obstacles that have come our way.

Even when making the decision to marry the Mr. it was a decision that took a lot of thought and prayer.  We had been together and even engaged prior to his arrest but I didn’t make the decision until I believed it was the right time.   It was one of the scariest decisions I’ve ever made. One because it was so against the norm, and it came with so much judgment.  Two, would I get tired, would I be lonely?  I can honestly say, I had more lonely days prior to his incarceration, simply because I’ve learned to depend on God in those lonely moments.  Do I miss him? Of course.  But I’m not lonely and I haven’t experienced that feeling in a while Thank God!

On that morning, I  remember being nervous.  I think I was more nervous because I didn’t know what to expect.  I wondered would we be the only couple getting married.  The day we got there was not a visitation day, but when we pulled up, the parking lot had more cars than I expected.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! There were about 10 more brides walking in the building.  Some even had on wedding dresses!  I was like wow… I’m not alone!  As we went through security, ok, I’m flashing back as I’m writing this, if you are a visual person,  just imagine brides lined up going through the metal detector. Can’t help but laugh!  But hey, that was our special day!

Of course the ol’ rude arse guard (young but acting as if she’s old and miserable)  at the front did everything she could to try to ruin the mood of us brides. Very seldom do you get the Chick-fil-a treatment when visiting your loved ones in prison.   She and one bride had a few words.  Yes, the guard was wrong. But if the bride wanted to to be Mrs. she had to swallow her pride and bow down…  Uggghhh … As for me, Ms. Rude told me I had to change clothes. The dress I had on was considered inappropriate (now, this is a dress I added to my work wardrobe after the wedding). So, I had to go back to the car and grab an another outfit to throw on really quick just to make it to my wedding so I too could become Mrs.

When we got to the visiting room, all of the grooms were seated on the front row side by side in their khakis waiting for their brides. The Mr. had his clean cut, starched khakis, and oils.  The prison chaplain  was in her robe ready to perform the ceremony.  One of the guards asked who wanted to go first?…  The Mr. and I volunteered to go first.   We entered this small room adjacent to the visiting room with Plexiglas windows.  All the other grooms and brides could see us.  My girls were right there as my maid and matron of honor as we exchanged our vows.  I think they cried more than us.  We were allowed a “torture kiss”,   about 20 minutes of visiting time, and photo time.  My girls played the role of photographers and placed us in wedding poses.

Although there were no flowers, coordinating colors, wedding cake, reception, aisle to walk down, or music we had the best 30 – 45 mins!  After we left,  the Mr. called and said we shouldn’t have gone first because they gave more time to those after us….oh well, you lose some you win some. That is my only regret from that day… Going first!

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The Walking Dead: Losing a Loved One to Prison

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The Walking Dead:  Losing a loved one to prison. As I mentioned in the article, “You Have a Collect Call From ___ At the County Jail”, I experienced so many different emotions.  One minute I would be ok with the situation, the next minute I would be upset with my fiancè.  I would try to remain on a high for my kids, but it was difficult at times.  After being settled, of course, there were songs or items left behind that reminded me of him.

How is Losing a Loved One to Prison Like the Walking Dead?

I often would pass boxes of stuff from the house that had been packed up and be reminded of the good and bad times we shared.  I experienced the stages of grief that people experience when someone dies.  We go through certain emotions in our lives, but we just go through them without identifying what the experience truly is.  I didn’t realize until recently that what I was going through was grief.  And that grief is a process.

The emotions I felt were perfectly normal.  The stages of grief followed after the traumatic experience (the arrest) took place.   The stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, forgiveness and my New Norm.

Denial

After accepting the phone call and hearing the news that he was arrested, we still were hopeful that he’d be coming back home soon.  Even after sitting in the court room hearing the judge give a sentence of almost life we still believed something would happen.  But it was the fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what to expect for this new lifestyle that was about to take place immediately. The fear of not knowing if we’d stay together or part ways.  The fear of prison life itself.  The fear of the kids not having their father.  Denial takes place as a result of blocking out traumatic events that are too painful to deal with.

Anger

For those of you in the situation, I’m sure you’ve said too many times if only you would have listened,  you would be here now!!  I found myself playing conversations over and over in my head of me and others talking until we couldn’t talk anymore about changing his lifestyle.  I was MAD because I was by myself with the kids, MAD because I had to move back home, MAD because you won’t be here to raise the kids, MAD because my finances alone are going to have to be enough, MAD because I couldn’t even pick up the phone and call you to tell you how MAD I was….JUST MAD!!!!!!!!  I eventually redirected my anger by focusing on my kids.and prayer.

Bargaining

After sifting through all the emotions, we made the decision to continue the relationship by rebuilding and restoring trust.  We both read books that would help us grow.  Talked about the books and attempted to communicate using the tools we learned from premarital counseling before his incarceration.

Depression

After the bargain was made, I felt good about the decision and relief that a decision was made.  You know how stressful decision making can be especially humongous decisions like this one.  Well, there were times that depression would still creep up and try to take over.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not something that came overnight.  It took time.   We accepted the fact that our situation is what it is.  We both know that this was needed and are grateful that it took place.  However, I will add that a lot of sentences given to Black and Brown people are not just.  But, back to acceptance it definitely was God that got me to this point where I’m content in the moment.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have my days.  But I know how to pick myself up from those low places and I pick myself up with God’s help before I go too low.

Forgiveness

There was a time when I would constantly throw the past at my husband.  If you’re still living in the past you’re not allowing yourself to move forward.  Throwing up the past brings out all the negative emotions.  The only reason I’m able to share this part of my life with you now is because I was able to forgive.  I will NEVER forget and I don’t want to forget.  It’s because I remember that I am able to help others in my situation.

Remember, grief is a process.  If you find yourself down and out too long, seek professional help.

One Less Thought

Real Wife

You Have A Collect Call From ____ At The County Jail

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Today has been a real reality check!!  My daughter started her first day of HIGH SCHOOL and my son started his first day of Middle School.  I can’t believe the time has gone by so fast.  I’m not one to show my emotions too much but this got me.  It was 11 years ago, my sons age, that I received that dreaded call,  “You have a collect call from the ___ County Jail.”  Never did I think that 11 years later he’d still be there, well in prison.

The Call

The day I received the call, my heart dropped and I immediately thought to myself…”you done #$^$#% up now.”  But since we had started premarital counseling I learned how to communicate a little better.   I didn’t let those exact words fly from my mouth.  But my fiancé was convinced that he would be home in a couple of days.  I felt it, I knew better but I remained hopeful.  Now, let me clarify, I do believe people must receive consequences for the things they do wrong but that’s not what this post is about.

I was pregnant, and my daughter was three years old.  Day after day I continued to talk to his attorney but all efforts failed.  I held out as long as I could to keep from mentioning his arrest to my parents.  But of course, you know parents know when something just isn’t right.  They know their children and can sense trouble miles away.  To make a long story short, I had no choice but to break the news to them.  I continued to stay at our home thinking that soon something would give.  Our son was due in a few months and I thought he’d be out by then even if he was released until a reporting date. WRONG!! No release point, blank, period.  I was experiencing all kinds of emotions:  mad, sad, frustrated, depressed, angry, embarrassed, betrayed, lonely, abandoned, fear.  You name it I probably felt it.

The only thing that kept me sane at that moment was God.  I constantly prayed.  All I knew was if I had to deal with post par tum depression in addition to what was going on I just might have cracked right on up.  But I continued to pray for peace and strength to get through each day.   Thankfully, when my son was born, I didn’t experience not one bit of depression!  I had to wait to hear from my fiancé to share the news of our son’s arrival, the delivery experience and of course he wanted to know who he looked like.

The Move

I eventually had to move back home.  Now, you know when you move out of your parents home, the last thing you want to do is to move back.  Oh well, life happens.  I didn’t experience post par tum depression but I did experience I Gotta Move Back Home Depression.  Not just move back home depression, but I gotta move back home with my kids and my fiance in prison depression.  I can laugh now but OMG!  Those were some painful days! But I was thankful to have the support of my family and friends.

My New Normal

After months of depression and just feeling lost, I knew I had to find a way to support my children and myself.  The collect calls became way too expensive.  We had to rely on letter writing.  I don’t think I had written a letter since middle or high school.  As time went on, I knew I had to support my children and myself.  I had a degree in biology so I took a job as a science teacher.  I must say that was the best therapy for me.  I was able to step away from the reality of my situation for 8 hours of the day not to mention get quite a few good laughs in with my students.  They actually helped to bring me life at a pretty trying time.

So why am I sharing this?  I’m sharing this for those of you that will go through and are going through this situation.  It’s not easy.  It will get easier.  You will learn to live your new norm but it will remain difficult.  Especially if children are involved.  There is a stigma that comes with families who have loved ones incarcerated.  And especially to those who decide to marry or stay married to their husbands.  Just know that you are not alone.  There are several of us that are experiencing these roller coaster emotions.

 

Inmate to You, Husband to Me

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There are several types of “non-traditional” relationships that take place today.  Every time I think I’ve heard it all, I learn of something new.  Yes, some shock me but who am I to judge when my husband and I are a part of the “non-traditional” crew.  I’m sure our relationship shocks people as well.  I couldn’t fight the urge to respond to the comments from the article, “Boyfriend Proposed from Behind Bars Should I Say Yes?” by Dr. Buck.  Similar to the young lady who wrote Dr. Buck, I too dated my now husband who was and is currently serving a long-term sentence.  “Who does that?”… I know, I know… just as some of the comments stated, only a weak, lonely, low self-esteem having pathetic woman.  Honestly, I never could have imagined that I would be a “prison wife.”  This is not the type of relationship I sought.  But hey, love is love.  The love you feel or have for your significant other is the love I have for mine.  Love is a decision.  Is your decision any better than mine?

I’m blessed to be surrounded by non-judgmental  family and friends that support me if I’m with or without my husband.  That same unconditional love they have for me is the same unconditional love I have for him.  I recall reading a post that said the difference between relationships of the past versus relationships of today is people of the past fixed things that were broken where as people of today throw broken things away.  Our relationship was truly broken prior to his incarceration but we’re thankful for the fix.  We’ve both done a great deal of work to correct our wrongs and grow together.  It’s a risk no different from the risk that people of “traditional” relationships take.

I sit and look at the number of unhappy women that are dating men in the “free world” and have yet to experience that one true love.  Women who have kissed and are still kissing their many frogs to find that one prince.  Even women whom have husbands experience ups and downs in their marriages as my husband and I do.  I trust and believe God for our marriage just as you do for yours. There are good and bad men in prison just as there are good and bad men in the “free world”.  At some time or another, all women will have to stand by their man for something.  It’s up to us to decide what we choose to stand by.

Believe it or not, it takes strength to go to bed alone at night knowing your husband isn’t their physically.  It takes strength to be the only “uncoupled” wife in a sea of “coupled” husbands and wives.  It takes strength to patiently wait on a phone call to tell your husband the highs and lows of the day instead of being able to pick up the phone and dial his number.  It takes strength to express to others your socially unaccepted “non-traditional” marriage.

Do I think I’m a weak, lonely, low self-esteem having pathetic woman? … Nah, I’m just like you, a woman in love.  Open your mind a little, don’t be so judgmental.

One Less Thought…

Real Wife