For the Lives of Prison Wives

Relationship

I Love You But I Don’t Know You

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Last week it was my daughter and my husband beefing. This week it’s my son and my husband. Now, as I mentioned before, when they were younger it was all good. But now that they are teens, and able to make their own decisions, my husband expects them to communicate with him more. Well, they are so caught up in their friends and own lives that they don’t make the time to do it.  The Mr. doesn’t want to hear the “I was busy” story.

I always know when they’re upset with the Mr. because they come to me with this pitiful looks on their face and phone in their hand ready to “tell”  on their dad. It’s funny because he’s already talked to me and we’re on the same page by time they get to me.  I have to remind them that he’s not here so he’s missing being here with them and seeing them grow up.  He’s looking at this as if they can be on their phone throughout most of the day texting friends and playing games then they should be able to send a simple text.

I guess since life is at a standstill in there, sometimes I don’t think the Mister realizes or forgets how fast-paced life is out here.  And before you know it, the day has gone without saying something.  I don’t know, of course, we I don’t go a day without checking in but I’m also not a child.  I know in order for us to make it communication is major.  But for my kids, especially my son, they really don’t know each other.

I love you but I don’t know you

I was pregnant with my son when the Mister was locked up.  So no matter how much I try to force the relationship, I had to come to the realization that they love each other but they don’t know each other.  My son can’t wait for the day his dad will be home!  But at this moment, he doesn’t really know him.  I had to really take a moment and listen to my husband explain his feelings to me.  In the beginning, I became defensive because I want them to have a normal relationship.  But after talking to my mom about it, she told me I need to hear what he’s saying and not get upset about it.  This is just a result of the circumstance.  It’s not intentional.  But to hear my husband say he does better with text because he doesn’t always know what to say I was like wow… this is really deeper than I thought!   I never thought about him being at a lost for words.  Especially since he’s a talker.  He wants to say more but he doesn’t know what to say all the time.

Now when they’re together, they’re able to have decent conversations.  One thing the two of them bond over are movies.  So that will be their thing when he gets here.  I honestly, don’t know what to expect when he gets here.   My mom suggested that we get family counseling which me and the Mister think is necessary to make the transition less challenging.  Whew…somethings just have to happen when and how they’re going to happen…

My suggestions for those that met their parent behind bars:

  1.  Keep the line of communication open between the child and parent.
  2. With young kids sit down and help them write or email their parent once or twice a month.
  3. Be open to listening to the feelings of the parent and child without being judgmental.
  4. When they become teens…. I don’t have an answer!  LOL!! Still at a lost, had to let it go and let God!
  5. Seek counseling when the parent is released.  Individual counseling for the child before the release may also be helpful.

 

Do You Know What Today Is? It’s Our Anniversary! Our Prison Wedding

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Relationship

Do You Know What Today Is? It's Our Anniversary!! Our Prison Wedding!!

Picture of Danielle Williams

Danielle Williams

I can’t believe four years have already passed since me and the Mr. said I do!  This week four years ago two of my sister-friends went with me to take that leap.  I often dreamed of my dream wedding, like most ladies do.  You know the colors, who would be my bridesmaids? Where would it be?  Who would attend? All that good stuff!  Of course, I never imagined a prison wedding! But,  hey it’s not about the wedding it’s about true unconditional love, right?  And boy if this isn’t unconditional, I don’t know what is!  LOL!

Being that this was a “prison wedding” all the intricate details in my head had to be put on hold because… I had to follow the guidelines of the prison!  Only two people could accompany me.  My parents couldn’t attend because they stayed with our kids.  That’s why I was so grateful for such great friends.  We left in the early morning hours headed to South Carolina.  We had to be there before the close of the business day to get the marriage license.  We made it there within 30 minutes of closing.  Then we drove to our hotel close to the prison.  They both treated me by driving there and back.  Nothing like getting good sleep on a long ride.

When we got there, we went out to eat and my sister-friends surprised me with my wedding gifts! They did everything to make this non-traditional wedding as traditional as they possibly could. We had a good time talking, laughing, crying and reminiscing about how we planned our lives when we were younger and the routes our lives have led us to today.  Not that our lives are in bad places, just that we could have never predicted the obstacles that have come our way.

Even when making the decision to marry the Mr. it was a decision that took a lot of thought and prayer.  We had been together and even engaged prior to his arrest but I didn’t make the decision until I believed it was the right time.   It was one of the scariest decisions I’ve ever made. One because it was so against the norm, and it came with so much judgment.  Two, would I get tired, would I be lonely?  I can honestly say, I had more lonely days prior to his incarceration, simply because I’ve learned to depend on God in those lonely moments.  Do I miss him? Of course.  But I’m not lonely and I haven’t experienced that feeling in a while Thank God!

On that morning, I  remember being nervous.  I think I was more nervous because I didn’t know what to expect.  I wondered would we be the only couple getting married.  The day we got there was not a visitation day, but when we pulled up, the parking lot had more cars than I expected.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! There were about 10 more brides walking in the building.  Some even had on wedding dresses!  I was like wow… I’m not alone!  As we went through security, ok, I’m flashing back as I’m writing this, if you are a visual person,  just imagine brides lined up going through the metal detector. Can’t help but laugh!  But hey, that was our special day!

Of course the ol’ rude arse guard (young but acting as if she’s old and miserable)  at the front did everything she could to try to ruin the mood of us brides. Very seldom do you get the Chick-fil-a treatment when visiting your loved ones in prison.   She and one bride had a few words.  Yes, the guard was wrong. But if the bride wanted to to be Mrs. she had to swallow her pride and bow down…  Uggghhh … As for me, Ms. Rude told me I had to change clothes. The dress I had on was considered inappropriate (now, this is a dress I added to my work wardrobe after the wedding). So, I had to go back to the car and grab an another outfit to throw on really quick just to make it to my wedding so I too could become Mrs.

When we got to the visiting room, all of the grooms were seated on the front row side by side in their khakis waiting for their brides. The Mr. had his clean cut, starched khakis, and oils.  The prison chaplain  was in her robe ready to perform the ceremony.  One of the guards asked who wanted to go first?…  The Mr. and I volunteered to go first.   We entered this small room adjacent to the visiting room with Plexiglas windows.  All the other grooms and brides could see us.  My girls were right there as my maid and matron of honor as we exchanged our vows.  I think they cried more than us.  We were allowed a “torture kiss”,   about 20 minutes of visiting time, and photo time.  My girls played the role of photographers and placed us in wedding poses.

Although there were no flowers, coordinating colors, wedding cake, reception, aisle to walk down, or music we had the best 30 – 45 mins!  After we left,  the Mr. called and said we shouldn’t have gone first because they gave more time to those after us….oh well, you lose some you win some. That is my only regret from that day… Going first!

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Married Single Mom

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Have you ever heard of a married single mom? I hadn’t either until it innocently slipped from my mouth when I was explaining my marital status to a few ladies I met.  I was at a book club meeting for the first time and of course we all had to introduce ourselves.   As everyone is going around introducing themselves, I start coming up with my intro in my head. I’m such the over thinker. What will I say?  I’m clearly walking around with my wedding ring on, so they will know I’m married.  But, if I don’t mention my husband but mention my kids, that looks crazy.  Should I just tell them where he is?  Uh…think quick…It’s almost your turn!

Hi! I’m Danielle, and I’m married but single. The looks on their faces were like, is she crazy?  Married but single? What does that mean?  If I’m not mistaken, one girl even asked, “You’re married but single?” I can’t help but laugh at myself at how crazy that sounds.  So, I went on and explained my situation.  I’m married but my husband is in prison.  We have two children and I function as a single mom.  “Oh, ok… we get it.”  One of the girls even went on to explain that a family member of hers was in a similar situation.  I truly appreciated that the girls weren’t judgmental.

Although my husband is in prison, I do my best to keep him in the loop of things.  The system definitely isn’t designed to assist you with keeping your family together. Honestly, if you don’t fight to keep your family together, it will be destroyed.  Part of being a married single mom is making sure that we still make decisions together about major things. Especially the kids.  When my daughter spent the night away for the first time, it wasn’t a decision I made on my own.  We decided that together.  They know that I’m going to run whatever it is by their dad before a final answer is given just as if he were at home.  So to my married single moms, don’t forget to make an extra effort to include your husband in the decision making process.  He may be away but the children will still feel his presence.

 

Is You Hearing or Is You Listening to Your Spouse?

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Is you hearing or is you listening to your spouse?  Is there a difference between the two?  Yes, a big difference.  Think back to the last argument you had with your spouse, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you’ve said the infamous words, “I HEAR YOU!”  Of course, this means just that, I hear you and I’m not trying to listen to comprehend anything you’re saying right now.  So what’s the difference between hearing and listening, and how do we move from hearing to listening?  When we’re hearing, we are simply perceiving sound with our ears.  Those sounds equate to the words that we just tune out because our mind is already made up about the situation.  When we’re listening, we’re actually paying attention to the words and attempting to make sense of our spouse’s words.  So how can we move from hearing to listening?

Check out these five steps to make sure you are listening to your spouse and not just hearing your spouse

  1. Remember that you and your spouse are on the same team.  This is not the NBA Playoffs, no one is keeping score.  If you’re not one, you’re working toward becoming one.
  2. Make eye contact.  Give your complete attention.  Stop what you’re doing or ask for a time to talk to your spouse so that both of you can have one another’s full attention.
  3. Stop, look & listen.  There is no way you can truly listen to your spouse if you’re constantly talking.  Do you understand the words that are coming out of your spouse’s mouth *in my Chris Tucker voice*?  Try to open your mind and heart to listen to the words your spouse is speaking.  Shhhhh…you may learn something.   Pay attention to your partner’s body language.   Actively listen by repeating to your spouse what you heard and how you understood what was said.
  4. You don’t always have to be right!  (That’s one of my problems.)  More than likely the both of you have the same goal just different paths to get to the goal.  Very seldom does the GPS only give us one route.
  5. Make a conscious effort to use pet names/terms of endearment and to gently touch your spouse during the argument.  Spouses can spew words that go straight to your heart and encase it in ice just like a super hero releasing super powers.  It’s amazing how a gentle touch or a “just listen baby” during an argument  can start to melt that ice box from your spouse’s heart.

Hear with expectancy and listen with intent.  Hear expecting to learn the initial problem.  Listen intending to solve the problem.

 

5 Satisfying Ways Spiritual Counseling Helps Marriages Succeed

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At some point in our lives, we must study to show ourselves approved. We are taught as early as Pre-K the importance of studying. We eventually learn that in order to be successful at most endeavors, we must study to pass tests.

However, even after passing tests, it is essential we continue our growth through professional development. Professional development is necessary to prevent the stagnation of our careers.

With that in mind, what makes us think that the most significant endeavor of all, marriage, doesn’t require development? We often enter at our own risk and attempt to maneuver our marriage through trial and error. However, there are spiritual resources available that can help us to navigate and strengthen our bond.

Well, now is the time to correct that way of thinking and nurture the most sacred union of all. We could start by giving our spouses the same attention we give our careers. If we don’t do something correctly at work, we learn the correct way and adjust. If we continue to make the same mistakes, we will eventually be reprimanded.

If we make a mistake within our marriage, we must learn what caused the problem or our unions will begin to sever. There is a way to begin to learn our spouses and preserve the relationship we have worked so hard to build. Here are 5 tried and true benefits of spiritual counseling!

You create a relationship with God.

If you feel like you don’t need God now, I promise your spouse will do something that leads you to Him. Your spouse is not perfect; he/she will make mistakes.

Your relationship with God will give you comfort, guidance, peace and so much more. In order to grasp the following concepts and give yourself full to them, a relationship with God must be at the forefront of your life.

Spiritual counseling focuses your heart, mind, and soul on what truly matters in a relationship. This then lays the foundation and groundwork for walking close to God and eventually hand in hand with your spouse.

TNMMaleStudyingBible

You learn about yourself.

Spiritual counseling is an investment in you. It is immensely more challenging to learn, much less care about someone else – their behaviors, struggles, fears – if you don’t know yourself. If you and your spouse are both lost in the same, neither of you will make it Home! Learning about who you are opens the doors to understanding your spouse and giving them what they need.

You learn about your spouse.

You are given the opportunity to truly hear your spouse’s concerns, fears, needs, wants and more. It is beyond frustrating when assumptions are made on what you are planning to say. So, let them speak. You’d be surprised at what your spouse shares when you let them! A spiritual counselor makes a great facilitator so everyone’s voice can be heard.

You are given the tools to endure in the good times as well as the bad times.

It’s important that you and your spouse safeguard your marriage. Problems will arise; however, with the necessary tools the problems can be resolved peacefully. Since we are sometimes unaware that those necessary tools include spiritual management, a counselor will lead you to what will work for your relationship.

You are given the tools to endure in the good times as well as the bad times.

Help save a family! So many relationships are salvageable if the right tools are used. Remember, don’t wait until the problem arises, get fully equipped, learn the compromises! And allow the counselor’s words to take root so you can pay it forward once you have passed through the storm.

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