For the Lives of Prison Wives

The Mr.

The Wait for Clemency is Real – The Mr.’s Raw Emotions

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So the Mr. wrote me explaining how the first thing people ask when they e-mail him is how is he doing and how’s his day?  He normally just gives a typical response.  However, this particular day, he chose to share his raw emotions as he awaits possible clemency…

How’s your day?

Well, my day has been cool I guess.  It really has been hard getting into the rhythm since I got to this new spot.  I make myself want to workout, I try to stay focused but my mind is consumed by so many things right now.  No one to really vent to, not that I don’t have things to say, it’s just the feeling that no one really cares.  When I lost my dad, I lost a piece of me that I can never get back. He was just the type of person that was in my corner when I needed someone to vent to that was never biased but was more so understanding to the transition I was faced with and the direction my life had turned.

Clemency frustrations

I am frustrated with my life, the situation of my life and support system I have.  I am sitting here with less than a month in a half to see what President Obama decides to do with me.  The clemencies have still been rolling out but I have yet to get my blessing.  The process that was set up has been burdened with so many others once they saw the president granting commuted sentences to many that don’t have a decade served, they took it upon themselves to fill out forms given by the prison to try their hand.   It’s good for so many but frustrating to individuals like myself who fit the exact criteria and was given a lawyer through the Clemency Project 2014 Initiative.  My information has been at the Pardon Attorney’s office for months now, I haven’t been denied but the feeling of nervousness is something I am experiencing every single day.  I know everyone wants to go home, that’s only natural.  But after serving almost 12 years of a 22½ year sentence, it’s like I am seeing my window slowly closing.

Keeping the faith

I am keeping my faith but as a human being, the stress is weighing on me and affecting me day to day.  I don’t know what is in front of me.  We change as a person with time.  I see things differently now from they way I used to see things.  I wonder will I ever get my chance at a new life.  I have been in here all of my 30’s, I feel like damaged goods because each year that passes I lose a piece of myself, not willingly.  I yearn to experience real love again. I yearn to be able to do the simple things that so many people take for granted.  I don’t want to seem like I am feeling sorry for myself but my bad decisions that I made in my younger years have really caught up with me and my heart has really changed through this whole process.

Am I dying a slow death?

I was having a conversation with my celly yesterday,  he was like “hey dawg, at least we are still alive.”  I stopped reading my magazine (Mindful) and said, “I hear you…but dawg, are we really alive?  I mean in the physical we are but every day I don’t feel that way.”  I pray and ask God for his forgiveness, I pray and ask God for his sympathy, I ask so many others for the same thing.  Only with time and understanding will I ever be able to comprehend as to why I was chosen to bear this burden.  I know I am loved by many but even those that once loved me now hate me.  Part of it’s due to my incarceration.  I ask myself why would so many turn their backs on me during the toughest time in my life?  I did do wrong, but I also touched so many.

A society divided

I see our society taking a turn back to the days when we were divided but then I think were we ever together in the first place?  I know in here it’s all about the color of your skin and I hate it but it’s the reality of what was put in front of me.  I see that being exactly how it is out there.  As a people, we are divided.  Still, with hope, I try to see the good but nowadays it is being overshadowed by so much bigotry and hate.  I see a new administration about to take control and I think about the realities of what has always been and what is going to always be!  Will there ever be a time when mistakes are corrected without judgment? When a second chance is truly granted for the better of the good?  When communities are affected someone is supposed to take a stand.  It’s meaningful and only right but the view I am seeing is that wrongs are always to be overlooked and swept under the rug, I guess if it doesn’t affect you directly it doesn’t matter, sad but true.  My days are just days, I am making it but at times I just wonder for how long …

Are Inmates Being Rehabilitated While Incarcerated?

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I was sentenced to 22 ½ years in federal prison to be rehabilitated, confined behind these prison walls, in order to be restored to good condition/health since I was unfit to be free in society (due to a drug crime conviction).  I absolutely agree that in our society we need prisons for  people who are deemed unfit to live among us.  After serving 12½ years in federal prison on a 22½ year sentence, just being located to my 7th federal prison, I can honestly say that prison is not for rehabilitation but only to oppress a group of people through incarceration.

To rehabilitate anyone you have to have individuals in positions that want to see you rehabilitated. For example, drug addicts going to treatment centers for help with their drug addiction are surrounded by employees that want to see the person get better.  In prison, majority of the staff can care less about you, they are here to collect a pay check and do whatever they can to create job security.  Staff members have their own hidden agendas.  Many get pleasure from being in an authoritative position.  So, to hell with prison policies.

Inmates, including myself, are abused mentally and emotionally daily for no reason.  Tactics vary from staff member to staff member, physical abuse by staff members to inmates happen daily.  Of course staff members get away with it because the one’s that oversee them are part of the same system.

There are administrative remedies that inmates can file but they go  nowhere and the only way anything is really done is if you have someone on the outside that pursues the issue.  Majority of staff members are protected by their union.

Violence in prison is always shown on TV but what’s never told is that the staff members are often the ones who create the problems that lead to the violence.  In federal prison it could be an array of things that create problems.  Why have 150 to 200 inmates watching 6 TVs, use two microwaves on hot water dispensers, and have only 3 washers and dryers in institutions?  Why not solve the problems by simply adding more or allowing inmates to purchase their own TV’s from commissary? Their excuse would then be that the power bill will be too high.  Not true, we have our own light switches.

Another excuse would be we wouldn’t take any prison programs. Prisons are funded millions of dollars to offer programs and inmates are needed to participate or the prison would lose that money.  Where there are excuses there is always the truth.  The truth is that problems in prison have to happen in order to fluctuate the prison population.  Prisons have to be full, not just on the compound but also in the SHU (Special Housing Units for inmates separated from the general population).  If not, the prison doesn’t operate properly.

Everyday I wake up and am subjected to verbal and mental abuse. No matter how far away from staff I try to stay, it’s never far enough.  Abiding by the rules and regulations of the institutions still is never enough.  Daily staff members violate me by trying to find ways to get under my skin and get a reaction out of me at all cost but my thoughts are my family and doing everything I can to get back to them.

This is a game involving real people.  People paying a debt to society, people sentenced to be rehabilitated.  For those in the free world, this is foreign territory.  Trust me, it once was to me too until I made a mistake.  Now it’s my reality. Just pay attention to the way we are being treated behind these walls, don’t just hire people in these positions unless they care about seeing someone better their life.

The Justice System Is Not So Just

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There are several federal inmates currently serving major time, some even life sentences, due to the not so just justice system.  One of those who knows too well but too late is the Mr., my husband.  I must admit I was hesitant about sharing his story, and I’ve held on to it for  a few weeks.  But he insisted that his story is not just his but the story of many others and it needs to be told.

The two major takeaways I would like you to leave with is that there is a need for justice reform.  I commend President Obama for responding to members of FAMM and other groups that have fought for, and continue to fight for the rights of those who have excessive sentences.  Am I condoning my husband’s actions and the actions of other inmates? No.  But just like they have to pay for their crime, at what point does the justice system pay for its crime or at least right it’s wrongs? Most importantly, I would also like you to leave with the vivid picture the Mr. painted as his fate laid in the hands of a judge and share his story with others in hopes of deterring others from actions that will possibly send them to prison…

From Behind the Wall with The Mr.

From the first day I began fighting my charges, I felt like this was an unfair process.  I was fighting federal charges of being an ex-felon in possession of a fire-arm, I was only supposed to get sentenced to 48 months. So how in the hell was I now fighting federal drug conspiracy charges based on a superseded indictment and I was never caught with any drugs when arrested on this charge?

Day and night I battled with this thought  in a jail cell.  These conspiracy charges were all conjured up.  Now why would someone want to make up charges on someone? Simple;  to get a reduced sentence that’s offered by the federal agents and the US Attorney.  This is how the federal system works–always in its favor.

Think about the cases of blacks being killed by cops but witnesses aren’t considered credible because they have criminal records. So how is it that inmates (with criminal records) are credible witnesses when it serves the purpose of helping the federal agents get a conviction?  Is this not a double standard?  They say the feds have a 99% conviction rate .  The truth is, everyone is forced to take a plea agreement and so was I.

If you decide to take your case to trial, (not if– but when you are found guilty) you will receive the maximum amount of time that a judge can sentence you to.  It’s just their textbook law that they stand on and it’s a horrific tactic.  The emotional roller coaster I was riding was so surreal. I was emotionally unstable– taking anti-depressant medication along with psych medications to escape from my reality.  I went from 180 pounds to 265 pounds in a year.

When my sentencing day came, I was shackled and taken to the federal courthouse.  I was so nervous; I nor my family had ever experienced such a situation. My stomach was balled up in a knot, my feet felt numb, it was as if my body was ready to shut down.

When I entered the courtroom, I saw all my family and friends, I couldn’t even smile at them, I just waved.  As I stood before the judge being sentenced, everything was in frozen time and even though he was so close, it felt like he was a football field away.  When I heard him sentence me to 270 months, I was stuck, my mind was trying to calculate that in years.  When I realized I had just been sentenced to 22.5 years, I almost fainted!  I immediately told my attorney to pull my plea agreement, this was 10 years more than my original agreement.

Tears immediately ran down my face.  I had been fighting my case a little over a year and I just turned 27 years old.  I couldn’t even look at my family and friends when I exited the courtroom.  My thoughts were so consumed with where my life had gone and would it ever have any normality again?  Would I even have a family when released?  Hell, when would that even be?

Now at the age of 39, the person has changed and the experiences have been real. The justice system is so flawed, the picture society is painting of the justice system is just as bad as this years presidential campaign.  They always push the public opinion based on violent acts in society to justify putting us all in the same boat when most of the federal system is non-violent drug offenders.  There is more to come…..

Addiction…Are We All Addicts?

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From Behind the Wall with the Mr.

The first thing people think about when you speak about addiction is drugs, hell drugs aren’t even the #1 addiction. Throughout your life span, you learn about so many addictions – sex, drugs, gambling, hell even sugars sends the same kind of signal to the brain that drugs do! Think about it, when you crave it and how the body feels when you don’t get it.   Can anyone say withdrawals?… Which eventually lead to your mood changing.  Still we are all addicts, whether we see it or not, don’t fool yourself sitting there saying I’m not addicted to anything. What do we all need to survive? MONEY…Yep Money is the #1 addiction, people will do anything for it, even kill! Legal or illegal careers, people put in long hours to get the dough, you still disagree? Well put it this way, you have to have money in today’s society to survive. From paying rent, the bills, buying cars and clothes, to purchasing the latest technologies, to supporting those nasty habits like drugs, alcohol, food to cigarettes, it all has to be purchased with money. When you got money you feel awesome, but when you don’t, you feel terrible just like a “junkie” when he or she is having withdrawals.  Self-evaluate for the month based on this addiction or if you think you have an addiction at all.  Share your thoughts as well as this topic with others…

& Me

After reading the above thoughts from The Mr., I must agree.  I’m definitely an addict.  I think he threw that sugar in there because he knows that’s my addiction.  I can’t remember exactly what “sugary” food I ate when visiting him during visitation, but he noticed a different look on my face when I ate it!  He looked at me like wow…that really took you to a good place!   That same euphoric feeling that the “typical fiend” gets is the same euphoric feeling that I get and you get too when you get your fix.  You know the feeling, don’t you?  So I guess the point here is who are we to judge?  An addict is an addict and with addictions come consequences be it the debilitating effects on your health and/or family and life.  If you don’t have a law breaking addiction, be glad. The difference between most inmate’s addictions and our addictions is the law.  At least you have an opportunity to rehabilitate yourself or seek professional help.  More inmates need rehabilitation instead of inhumane incarceration.

My sugar addiction could eventually affect my health.  My technology (um…hmmm even Facebook) addiction allows me to be present with the body, but absent in the mind when with my family.

My name is Real Wife, and I’m an addict.  Are you?

One less thought…

The Mr. & Real Wife

My Princess … A Daddy’s Love from Behind the Wall

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Let me tell you it’s such a surreal feeling every time I see My Little Princess, hell after serving 11 1/2 years of a 22 1/2 year sentence in federal prison you would understand exactly what I mean. Understand that when I was arrested she was 2 month’s shy of turning 3 years old but you would never know that if you were an outsider seeing us together. Out of all my kids, she and I are the closest, it’s not that I love her more than any of my other children, it’s that for the short time I was actually physically in her life, she was the only child I had the opportunity to spend my days and nights with, changed pampers and fixed bottles for. I used to get lost for hours with my Princess, I prided myself in being a good dad, taking her to her hair appointment’s, as well as our weekly trips to the mall’s to keep daddy’s little girl looking picture perfect. I miss those days, they cloud my mind every single day. Now because of my poor decisions and allowing my euphoric feelings to cloud my better judgment I am serving prison time. You never understand how much all the little moments mean until they are taken away or you are no longer able to participate in them. I have missed everything you can imagine a 3 year old doing until now, My Princess being the age of 14. Instead I wake every single morning now in a Low Security Prison surrounding by 1900 other men, much so in similar situation but very different realities!
My bad decisions have really affected my family and in doing so I have subjected them all to this life, it pains me deeply but I will say I don’t have an ordinary family, in fact more good has come out of this whole situation than anyone could imagine or try. Throughout all these years I have been able to witness my Princess blossom from a little girl skipping around the visiting room, to a young lady, catering to her daddy and having grown folk conversations. I tell my wife all the time what a wonderful job she is doing with her and my son, now my son that’s another story to come, he’s his unique self! Things could change for me real soon, still only time will tell, My Princess is now in High School, we talk about everything and I mean everything. When she talks about boys, I just tell her, sweetie, you have been raised right and taught to be responsible, so we trust you to make the best decisions and we are always in your corner. All I can do from behind these prison walls is be the best dad I am capable of being to deter any of my kids from making poor decisions that can affect their lives in the long run. We all agree that no matter what our situation or circumstances are, we all want what’s best for our children, I know I do. My happiest days are the days I am with my family, it’s the only time in here you can feel normal, those are the people whom love you completely, had my mind been in a rational place instead of in the streets I would have learned that over a decade ago. We live, we learn but we have to be willing to. My daughter has taught me so much, she is the only person that can just say daddy and I listen, whenever I do get home things will be different but don’t worry Princess Daddy got this….