For the Lives of Prison Wives

For the Lives of Prison Wives

There Is Power In The Vision Board That Is!

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Write My Goals? Do I Have To?

Is there really power in the vision board? We hear too often,”write your goals”, “what is a vision/dream without written goals?” Goals, Goals, Goals!!! If you’re anything like me, you hear it but you don’t hear it. Surely, I can accomplish what needs to be accomplished without having to actually write my goals. My goals are etched in my mind. I’ll make it happen, I know exactly what I want and the steps I need to take to get there.  Time moves on and before you know it, your shouting that infamous countdown…10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! May all acquaintance be forgot…. and after the excitement of the New Year winds down, you’re reminded of your old acquaintance. That vision/dream that can’t be forgotten because it’s etched so deep in your heart and constantly tugging at your mind so much so that it can’t be forgotten. It won’t let you go and you can’t let it go. You didn’t forget about it, you just got caught in the spin cycle of life. Moving on with life as life continues to move on, yet remaining unintentionally stagnate.

The Vision Board Party!!

Although you remain stagnate, God continues to move on your behalf sending people and situations that will one day move you from life’s spin cycle. In my case, He moved through a friend inviting me to attend a Vision Board Party. I accepted the invite, attended the party, where I was surrounded by other dreamers who hadn’t quite gotten around to giving their dream a voice.  It was there that  I created my vision board. Every picture and word that I cut was deliberate and caused some form of thought or reflection on my goals. It was something about being still, although not alone, and focusing on myself and making a plan for myself. At one point the room became silent as we all focused on our futures. After completing our vision boards we were instructed to put it in a place that we would see it first thing every morning.  Now, this was my second time creating a vision board but I never kept the first one in my possession and was not able to see it daily.

Seeing My Dreams

This time, I actually listened and hung my vision board on the wall by my bed! As soon as I opened my eyes, that’s what I would see… my dreams! Of course the first few weeks I marveled over my board and it’s content with excitement! Eventually, my impatience kicked in and doubts would surface every now and then. Will this really happen for me? But in spite of those thoughts, I continued to look at my board and claim my goals. One key word on my board was “CHANGE” in big letters. It wasn’t until a major change took place that I looked at my board and made the connection. There are several other pictures and words that I now notice are representative of what has taken place in my life or is in the process of taking place.

I truly believe there is Power in the Vision… Board That Is. There is some type of supernatural phenomenon that takes place when you’re able to physically see your dreams in front of you waiting for you to ignite them!

Habakkuk 2:2-3 2 And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. 3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

Hello from the Other Side: A Daughter’s Memoir

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When I was 3 years old and my brother hadn’t been born our dad was arrested. I can remember vividly my dad not returning home and asking my mom when he was coming back. I later learned that he was in jail. He was sentenced to 21 years in prison. This was the most horrifying thing I experienced as a 3 year old.
I very faintly remember moving to my grandparent’s house. Packing up all of my toys into boxes. Stuff was everywhere you stepped. Pots and pans all over the kitchen, clothes across the couches, covers over the TV, everything was a mess. We had many good times but I remember one night when I received a letter from my daddy and my mom and I were sitting on the top bunk of the bed. It was the summer of Kindergarten when I was 6 and my mom helped me read the letter he wrote in cursive. I can’t exactly remember what the letter said but my mom and I were sitting there crying.
“I know you miss him. I do too,” my mom mumbled.
“When is he coming home mommy?” I cried.
Eventually we moved into our very own house. It was so beautiful and I was so happy to finally have a place to call my home. I had my very own room and no longer had to share with my brother. My room was yellow, I had a full bed, flower drapes, and stuffed animals everywhere. My room was the cutest room in the whole house.
After while my brother started to notice that his friends dads were around but his wasn’t so, he asked my mom where he was out of the blue. My brother finally was old enough to understand at about 5 years old. My mom explained to him the best she could and he was a smart child so he understood.
We went to visit my dad every Summer. He moved to many different places all the way from high to low security prisons. I hated visiting him when he was in high security prisons because I couldn’t hug him or sit in his lap. That’s very important to a daughter because I’d always been a daddy’s girl. He would take me anywhere I wanted from mall to mall getting me any and every thing I could ever want as a little 3 year old child and I really missed that.
Then he got moved down to medium security prison. It was better and worst visiting my dad. It was better because we could hug, talk without using a phone, and even take pictures. The worst thing was it was so hard to dress nice because you would have to take anything that had metal in it off and it was a real pain in the butt.
This one time my mom had to go all the way back to the hotel to change because she had sandals on but I could wear sandals. It made all of us so mad.
“These rules are so stupid!” exclaimed my mom.  “ What’s so bad about sandals mommy?” I asked curiously.
“I really don’t know” responded my mom angrily.
We went back and they took us back to the visitation room where we waited anxiously for my dad to come out. When he came out everybody was so excited. My brother and I ran and jumped in my dad’s arms as he lifted us off the ground.
“Daddy!” shouted my brother and I.
“Hey Lil’ Buddy!” my dad excitedly said to my brother.
“Hey My Princess!” my dad said as he kissed my cheek.
We walked over to the seats where the rest of the family was he hugged my Grandmother and Grandaddy, and kissed my mom. The adults sat and talked while my brother and I were playing board games. They said they needed some adult time. I still was being nosey and overheard my dad talking about how tired of prison he was. He’d been there for 10 years and everybody felt his pain. But I was just patiently waiting for my favorite part of the visit. My 1 on 1 time with my dad.
Every time I would go and visit my dad we would have 1 on 1 daddy and daughter time. I always loved that time because we can just talk and keep things between us. This is what kept our relationship so strong.
“So, how’s daddy’s princess been?” he said as I sat in his lap.
“Good,” I responded.
“Have you been missing me?” asked my dad.
“Yes, daddy how would I not?” I replied.
“I just wanted to hear that,” my dad said as he chuckled.
We would continue to talk until it was my brother’s turn to get his time. I would always get jealous because I wanted all the time to myself. I’m really selfish when it comes to time with him.
Sometimes I didn’t like going to school because I’d always have to lie about my situation. I don’t want everybody to know because I feel like if I tell certain people I would be looked upon as a whole different person. Just because my dad made a mistake and is in prison doesn’t mean that, that makes me a different person. I still am who I am and nothing’s going to change that. Only a few of my best friends know. I knew they wouldn’t judge me because of this one thing and I love all those friends for that.
One day when I was in 5th grade I remember having my purple sweater dress on with white polka dots, in mid September, skipping from recess when my teacher stopped me. She asked if my parents were divorced because she’s never seen my dad at any PTA meetings or performances. To me this was really none of her business but I told a lie like I always did. I never answered so she just assumed my parents were divorced.
“How often do you visit your dad? My children go see their dad during the summer,” my teacher said.
“I see my dad in the summer too,” I replied.
“Where does your dad live? He must live far if he never goes to your performances,” she said.
“He lives in Virginia,” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“Do you know what he does for work?” she asked.
I didn’t know what to say so I started to think of manly jobs really quickly. I flashed back to when my friend told me her dad was a coal miner.
“He’s a coal miner,” I said as I walked inside from recess.
I didn’t want her to ask me questions about my dad unremittingly so I walked back to the classroom. Ever since then a teacher never has asked me about my personal life like that.
Now my dad has moved to a low security prison and I haven’t seen him in two years. It’s been hard but he calls my phone a lot and we can email whenever we want. He may be able to get out early but we will never know until that time. I want him here but at the same time I’m nervous. It would be so different having him around after all these years without him here with us. Things would probably change for everybody in the house. I really hope there will be good changes and no bad changes. This is going to be hard but this situation has made my family strong and we can get through anything together.

Daddy’s Princess

My Children, My Inspiration

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You never know what goes on in the minds of your children even if you have a close relationship with them.  I talk to my kids all the time about everything … so I thought.  It wasn’t until my daughter came to me with an assignment in which she had to write a memoir, that I realized her true feelings about her dad being incarcerated. I’ve asked her how she feels and she always tells me she’s ok with it but it didn’t really seem to bother her. When I read her memoir and studied her drawing that went along with her memoir Hello from the Other Side: A Daughter’s Memoir, I couldn’t believe the volumes it spoke!  I admired her for being strong and sharing that part of her life because some children, and family for that matter, don’t speak about a parent being incarcerated out of shame or fear of being teased/judged.  Not only did my daughter share her story, but my son chose to write about his feelings for an assignment he had to do as well.  In it, I learned that he was angry about the situation which he has shared with me before.  It seemed to affect him more than my daughter.  But I never knew it was my daughter that helped him to accept the situation better.  He had actually experienced a child picking at him about his dad being locked up but it was his sister that shared how she gets through it with him.  He thought that the way she handled it was amazing and it made him not be so angry about it anymore.  I am so proud of the both of them for living their truth.  I left the decision up to them as to if they wanted to share it or not.  I think the older they’ve gotten the more comfortable they are with sharing which in turn has helped me.  I don’t have to be secretive and in protective mode since they’re more open about it.  It’s even been a struggle of mine to be transparent with everyone out of being judged by adults for my decision to marry my husband while he’s incarcerated Inmate to You, Husband to Me.

Unfortunately, a lot of children have parents that are incarcerated and don’t know how to cope with the situation. There is a growing number of children that live with the stigma of a parent being in jail/prison.  When looking at justice reform, rebuilding family bonds should definitely be a part of the rehabilitation process.

One Less Thought …

Real Wife

5 Satisfying Ways Spiritual Counseling Helps Marriages Succeed

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At some point in our lives, we must study to show ourselves approved. We are taught as early as Pre-K the importance of studying. We eventually learn that in order to be successful at most endeavors, we must study to pass tests.

However, even after passing tests, it is essential we continue our growth through professional development. Professional development is necessary to prevent the stagnation of our careers.

With that in mind, what makes us think that the most significant endeavor of all, marriage, doesn’t require development? We often enter at our own risk and attempt to maneuver our marriage through trial and error. However, there are spiritual resources available that can help us to navigate and strengthen our bond.

Well, now is the time to correct that way of thinking and nurture the most sacred union of all. We could start by giving our spouses the same attention we give our careers. If we don’t do something correctly at work, we learn the correct way and adjust. If we continue to make the same mistakes, we will eventually be reprimanded.

If we make a mistake within our marriage, we must learn what caused the problem or our unions will begin to sever. There is a way to begin to learn our spouses and preserve the relationship we have worked so hard to build. Here are 5 tried and true benefits of spiritual counseling!

You create a relationship with God.

If you feel like you don’t need God now, I promise your spouse will do something that leads you to Him. Your spouse is not perfect; he/she will make mistakes.

Your relationship with God will give you comfort, guidance, peace and so much more. In order to grasp the following concepts and give yourself full to them, a relationship with God must be at the forefront of your life.

Spiritual counseling focuses your heart, mind, and soul on what truly matters in a relationship. This then lays the foundation and groundwork for walking close to God and eventually hand in hand with your spouse.

TNMMaleStudyingBible

You learn about yourself.

Spiritual counseling is an investment in you. It is immensely more challenging to learn, much less care about someone else – their behaviors, struggles, fears – if you don’t know yourself. If you and your spouse are both lost in the same, neither of you will make it Home! Learning about who you are opens the doors to understanding your spouse and giving them what they need.

You learn about your spouse.

You are given the opportunity to truly hear your spouse’s concerns, fears, needs, wants and more. It is beyond frustrating when assumptions are made on what you are planning to say. So, let them speak. You’d be surprised at what your spouse shares when you let them! A spiritual counselor makes a great facilitator so everyone’s voice can be heard.

You are given the tools to endure in the good times as well as the bad times.

It’s important that you and your spouse safeguard your marriage. Problems will arise; however, with the necessary tools the problems can be resolved peacefully. Since we are sometimes unaware that those necessary tools include spiritual management, a counselor will lead you to what will work for your relationship.

You are given the tools to endure in the good times as well as the bad times.

Help save a family! So many relationships are salvageable if the right tools are used. Remember, don’t wait until the problem arises, get fully equipped, learn the compromises! And allow the counselor’s words to take root so you can pay it forward once you have passed through the storm.

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Real Wife

To Nag or Not To Nag?…That is the Question

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As we approached home, I reflected upon what our counselor advised me to do, shut up and pray (Take the Muzzle Off Your Man).  She even led me to a scripture, Proverbs 27:15-16,  A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.  Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.   Ha!  Never knew that was in the bible.   She suggested that I tell my fiance what’s bothering me, remind him once and if he still hadn’t responded to pray to God about it.  If I went to him a third time, that was considered nagging.  Well, if I hadn’t mastered anything else in life I was a pro at nagging.  A matter a fact, I began to love to nag because I knew how to get to him.  I would actually sit and think of ways to really get under that skin. To nag is to annoy or irritate a person with persistent fault-finding or continuous urging. I felt my nagging was justifiable because my fiance had areas that I believed he needed to improve.  I just wanted to help him to become a better person.  So my strategy was to make him talk about what ever was bothering me.  Obviously, that didn’t work or it wouldn’t have become nagging. But what else was I to do?  I didn’t understand how me attempting to help you become better was a problem.  Just do what I asked.  That’s simple.

Of course after every lesson there’s a test.  And of course if you don’t study you fail.  So I failed, not once, not twice, but several times before I finally put what was taught to me in action.  This nagging was embedded in me so deep and I didn’t even know I was nagging at times.  The more I nagged the less we saw of each other.  He eventually stopped going to counseling.  Now why would he do that?  That just gave me one more thing to nag him about.  Come on now…what else was I supposed to do, follow the advice of my counselor and pray? And I’m not getting my way?  Huh! Yeah right! I had to let this out.  You would think he liked this nagging that he claimed was so bothersome.  This ugly cycle continued.  I’d call, text, write and try again.  Even when I was able to get it all out he was hearing me but not listening.  There’s a difference. (Is You Hearing or Is You Listening to Your Spouse?)

The day finally arrived when I got tired and gave into my counselor’s advice.  I bit my tongue and prayed instead of picking up the phone.  I opened a book of prayers and read a prayer about nagging.  I still have that book but until this day, I haven’t found the prayer I prayed that day in the book.  It’s like God just put it there for me at that moment.  A week after reading that prayer, my fiance called me and asked was I ready because he was on his way to take me to our counseling session. The same sessions he abandoned and that I prayed for him to return to.  So in the words of my counselor, Shut Up and Pray! Ladies, we can’t change the man but God can. And in the process of praying for his change, He changes us as well. Gotta love HIM!

 

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Real Wife