For the Lives of Prison Wives

For the Lives of Prison Wives

Taste, Taste . . .

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Um Hmm!! Nope, not the taste you were thinking!! Now that I have your attention, let me tell you about our real first taste of freedom!! So, the Mr. has transferred yet again, but this time he’s closer to home and has more freedom than he’s ever had.

For the first time in 13 years, we got a taste of the sun together. I had no idea that experiencing the sun together as a family could be so refreshing!! So freeing!! We had our first outside visit at the end of the summer. It was extremely hot!! And anybody from the south knows our heat is a different kind of heat. Not that dry heat you can breathe in but that smothering heat. We’ve never been so glad to sit and bask in that energy draining heat. And to top it off, I had on a black shirt. That was the best heat draining experience ever!!

We literally sat outside, played games, talked, and enjoyed seeing couples walk in circles around the fenced in patio. Yep, that’s right, walk in circles. Well, maybe I should say take laps. We got to see the trees together, hear the birds chirping, feel a breeze every now and then, just simply inhale the fresh air together.

It’s amazing what difference the sun made in our visit. I mean we sat in that heat with the sun beaming on us until we just couldn’t take it anymore. We made a couple of adjustments, and even switched tables a couple of times but we had to go back into the gloom doom visiting room to cool off once the Mr. started sweating.  Now, let me add my disclaimer…trust, when the visiting room is what you have you make the best of it and that is your sunshine.  So,  don’t be offended.  It’s not until you experience it for yourself that you’ll truly understand.

So as you can see, the Mr. was able to walk around which was new for us too! He greeted us when we entered the visiting room and walked to the vending machine! I’m talking major moves!! A walk to the vending machine!! WHATT?!? We moving up in the world!! YASSS!!

 

Oh yeah, guess what else the Mr. got to do? … Go to the microwave and heat up his food!! What you Say??

 

Oan, how can I forget the most important thing? We got to sit beside each other!!

 

It’s the little things people!! The little things!

To those of you on this journey, be patient (well hell, we really don’t have a choice do we?). The Mr. says patient is not a word you use with people in the system. lol  Hopefully, the sun will eventually shine on you too!

How did you feel going from visiting room visits to outside visits?  Share your experience.

Life!! The One Test You Can’t Cheat On

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Mannn!!! Have you ever wished you could just know the answers?  😬 Why is life happening like this?  Why is this happening to me?  When will this all end?  Why don’t they ever go through anything?  Hey, just keeping it 💯!! You know you’ve had the same thoughts.  😂 No, you don’t wish anything on anybody but as a human being you can’t help but have those thoughts every now and then when we don’t even know what the next person’s test has been.  But when I’m bombarded with those thoughts I stop and get still…and …I’m reminded…the only way to get through is to keep going.  I can’t stop taking the test!  There are no short cuts! 

😬There is no cheat sheet 😤Some parts of this test you’ll have to retake simply because you didn’t get it the first time or two or three or maybe you thought you found a short cut. 😫Life is a test of many parts.  Some parts of the test you’ll become certified because you were created with certain gifts and you just get it.  But even though you have your certification you’ll still need to renew your certificate.  Why? Because there’s no way of knowing every question or problem that you’ll face.  People change and situations change.  So you have to be ready to deal with unknown. When you’re faced with unknown you have to seek guidance from the known.  That known for me is God the Creator of Life and Answers to the test! 

#forthelivesofprisonwives #motivationmonday 

Dealing with Doubt in Prison Relationships

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“Things didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do? You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it.” – Life of Pi, pg. 115

Prison relationships are beautifully complicated. Supporting your significant other during their incarceration will come with as many challenges as it does rewards, and the biggest challenge is doubt. From the trials, legal matters, family stress, financial stress, lack of physical affection, and the daily struggles, it can get quite heavy emotionally.

Given the circumstances, I believe that positive, growth filled relationships are possible for inmates and those who love and care for them. During my time as a Prison Wife I have discovered many paths that have helped me heal myself and deal with doubts. I hope these in any way help you and your partner stay strong.

Setting healthy relationship boundaries

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page and understanding of the relationship dynamic that you want. Whether you were with your partner before they went in, or started dating an inmate during their sentence, it is something you both need to be clear on before deepening and maintaining the relationship. Are you going to wait for each other physically and emotionally? Is it an open relationship? By discussing this with your partner you will both be more clear on the relationship and the nature of it. Not everyone is cut out for a prison relationship and that’s okay. Be honest about your needs.

Productively raw, honest communication

Communication is the life line for you both. It is important to communicate your feelings unfiltered. There will be times when you think about leaving, get mad about the past, have a bad day, miss them dearly, need to cry; the list goes on. Whatever it is, don’t hold your feelings back, and be real.

This does not mean roasting your lover and telling them off every time you get frustrated or upset. Your partner is there to support you and listen. It’s so important to recognize that how you speak to each other will make all the difference in your connection. If you’re having a tough talk, take a deep breath before responding. Be okay crying, talking about your doubts, and your fears. Being vulnerable and open will help make you both much closer in the long run.

Take care of yourself

Once your partner is in, you will have emotional support, however it is all you. If you’re just now losing or have lost your lover to the system, be prepared for a grieving period and be open to how you handle it. Journaling, painting, exercise, meditation, time with family and friends that are supportive, hobbies that you may have forgotten about, self education and reading are helpful things to put your energy into. Take this time to re-explore yourself as an individual and have new experiences.

Giving back to yourself gives you the capacity to handle the relationship in hard times. It’s important to note that while lack of physical contact doesn’t define the relationship, it’s a dynamic that you’ll have to learn to properly cope with. Supporting yourself in unique ways that make you feel expressive and connected will give you strength.

Nonjudgemental listening

When you are honest with your partner, it’s important to remember that they will be honest with you too. Prison and jail are not fun places. Your partner will deal with racism, petty threats, unkind correctional officers, bad days at work, bad food, and unwarranted searches on a near daily basis. This is stressful, and whether your partner made a mistake or not it is important to give them a safe space to talk to you. They are in a place where they are constantly stressed, unable to let their guard down. Listening intently and being open to their pain as much as they are to yours will deepen your relationship to each other.

Keeping track of your progress & growth

It’s important to remember where you started and how much you’ve accomplished. When the doubt monster likes to come in and convince me I haven’t made any progress, I check my calendar, read old letters to my lover, or read old entries in my journal. Keeping a planner or bullet journaling are incredible ways to sort your days and remind yourself of just how far you have come from where you once were. Reflection is a powerful tool in recognizing your own abilities.

Write out the doubt

When doubts creeping in, I just pick up a pen and begin writing to my lover. It helps so much to vent and write about the day or whatever is coming up. Often they will understand and empathize with you. Getting the emotions on paper will help empty your mind and make space. You can journal separate from letters if you feel you want to work through a problem yourself. Writing helps you see reoccurring thoughts and patterns, and can help you change or bring awareness to them.

Cherish the little things

I make copies of my letters to my lover so I can go back and read them, and I keep all of his letters sorted and organized, revisiting them when necessary. Special pages from him such as poems, funny magazine clippings, and photos of us together (we are allowed photos where he is currently held) I may put on the wall or keep in sight in a photo album. Often he sends me lists of movies to watch and this gives us something to talk about besides our stressful days, allowing us to laugh and relate on a more joyful level. We read books together and discuss them, and we even listen to songs together during phone calls. Whatever makes you feel closer and more fulfilled, don’t hesitate to do or try it. It will make a world of difference.

Phone calls

Calls can be expensive, but they are priceless. No matter what is happening in my day, when I hear my spouses voice, everything seems to get lighter. Be willing to listen at all times even when you both may be having a bad day. It is worth it to stay on that call and resolve any issues if you have any, and you can help turn each others day around.

Get creative

My lover and I often draw little comics and characters in our letters. Sometimes I get stickers to decorate, or put quotes that inspire me into my letters too. I encourage you to tap into your inner child and have fun in all aspects of your life. You don’t have to be an artist to have creative energy, and it’s a more fun way to let go of stress. In your daily life, you can paint, draw, dance, sing, play music. Explore yourself and what makes you feel happy, and you will discover more tools to handle doubt when it surfaces.

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We are built to handle the ups and downs in life. When things get tough, remind yourself that it’s all going to be okay. The best way to handle life is one day, and one moment at a time. Know that this too shall pass, and that you are a powerful force capable of change, love and growth.

 

Courtney Cothran

My name is Courtney Cothran and I'm 26 years old. I have been a Licensed Massage Therapist for the last 4 years and frequently study philosophy, psychology, and other subjects related to my profession. I practice yoga, meditation, painting, and journaling to keep my mental and physical health in alignment. I have been a prison wife for almost 19 months. We have been together a total of 4.5 years and our relationship is still going strong through this trial. My heart goes out to all of you for your strength and resilience.

Walk In My Nikes

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I really don’t understand!!  Why are people making this so difficult?  Why Kaepernick chooses to kneel during the national anthem is a simple stance against the genocide of African Americans by those who have taken an oath to never betray public trust.  

He’s Kneeling for those African Americans who cannot trust police officers in general due to actions of corrupt officers and a system that twists, turns, bends, and flips the law in an attempt to “Make America Great Again”.  You know, the “great again” where killings of blacks were justified by the justice system if the case was even brought to the justice system.  Ok, I’ll give America that… the cases are at least brought to the justice system today…Yeah, that Great Again.

He’s kneeling for those who lost their lives to hands that are only trigger happy when their eyes detect a certain hue.  He’s kneeling for the families who have lost their loved ones and are still suffering from their loss to officers that took an oath to never betray public trust.

He’s kneeling for future African Americans that will lose thier lives to the officers that took an oath to never betray public trust.

He’s kneeling for hope that in the future some way some how that even if an African American committs a crime that he/she will be ale to at least live to have the opportunity to a just trial.

He’s kneeling for those whose images play in the media like a mini movie featuring a “thug” as the leading actor instead of a once upstanding citizen who came from a troubled past and became a terrorist- oops, excuse me, shooter.

He’s kneeling for those who feel like their voices aren’t being heard so they riot while Kaepernick hopes that their voices are heard in his silence.

He’s kneeling for those who were on their ground like Tamir Rice but were gunned down by officers that will attempt to justify that they didn’t have a choice but to stand theirs.

He’s kneeling for African Americans and brown people who live majority of their lives behind bars for some of the same crimes that their counter parts committ but get the opportunity to live their lives on the other side, the “free” side, of the bars.

So instead of being so quick to burn Nikes, why not take a walk in the Nikes of people of color.  We don’t have a choice but to walk in the Nikes of white America.  Why not walk in the Nikes left behind by the Eric Garner, Trayvon Martin, Sandra Bland, Philando Castile, etc.  (I hate that I have to use “etc.”) who no longer have the option to stand or sit and place their hand over their heart as the National Anthem plays and the flag waves.  

The question remains, why make this so difficult?  Where is the disrespect?  The real disrespect is America’s neglect!! … If we all just take a walk in the Nikes of others, we’d have a better understanding of our sisters and brothers.  Just Do It!!

Ride Or Die ~ It’s Deeper Than That

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It seems like I may be one of the few who wasn’t tuned in to Gucci Mane and Keyshia’s hot topic wedding!  I will definitely check it out when BET airs it again which I’m sure they will soon.  But I did have a chance to check out the many, many posts and comments.  I can honestly say I’ve seen just as many supporting their marriage and sending the beautiful couple well wishes as I’ve seen those not in support of “ride or die” relationship.

For years, women have held their men down while doing their time.  It’s nothing new.  With more men in prison as the years go by, especially African American men, there will be even more women holding their men down.  There have even been straight up debates about some calling this marriage “relationship goals.”  Now, I don’t think anyone’s goal is to marry someone in prison.  It certainly wasn’t my goal.  But as life goes, the problems roll.

No one truly knows what they will do until they are in that situation.  Maybe the relationship goal is the fact that they didn’t give up on each other.  Several comments talked about how Gucci put her through hell by using drugs, cheating all that stuff that tends to come with the lifestyle.  But how many take the time to look beneath the surface of the person they’re in a relationship with?  Why are certain behaviors taking place?  There’s almost always some unresolved issue at the root.  Most of the time it’s the way that person was loved or not loved.  People show love the way they were shown love.  That’s all they know.  How can you give love if you haven’t truly experienced love?  Remember, hurting people hurt people.  It takes a different type of person to see beneath the surface.  Too many people are surface seers. Not too many want to use their X-ray vision to see beneath the surface.   There are no perfect people.  Therefore, all relationships will have problems now and then.  A relationship without problems is a problem.

When people are physically sick it’s expected that your spouse is there.  But not too many can handle a “mentally” sick spouse.  Gucci was obviously battling mental issues of some type, maybe not medically diagnosed, but his actions show that there was a problem.  If you’re human, you’re going to experience your own mental issues along the way.  It’s all about how we decide to cope with the issues.  Some can bounce back, while others get “lost in the sauce.”  Sometimes God sits people down to help them reorganize their state of mind. Who’s to say those that are “ride or die” gf/spouse aren’t specially equipped to be the peace and guidance for their lost spouses.

To be “ride or die” doesn’t make you dumb.   To be “ride or die” doesn’t make you weak.  You can be “ride or die” for someone in jail/prison or in the free world. You’re supposed to be “ride or die” for your spouse with God’s guidance.  Why take the vows for better or worse if you’re going to run soon as worse comes? So many of us say the God-centered vows but don’t put God at the center. The worse won’t be resolved overnight.  It takes time to unlearn the things you’ve learned for a lifetime.

Nope, we prison wives don’t know what the outcome will be.   But guess what, free world wives don’t know either.  We’re all wives wanting the best for our lives.