So the Mr. wrote me explaining how the first thing people ask when they e-mail him is how is he doing and how’s his day? He normally just gives a typical response. However, this particular day, he chose to share his raw emotions as he awaits possible clemency…
How’s your day?
Well, my day has been cool I guess. It really has been hard getting into the rhythm since I got to this new spot. I make myself want to workout, I try to stay focused but my mind is consumed by so many things right now. No one to really vent to, not that I don’t have things to say, it’s just the feeling that no one really cares. When I lost my dad, I lost a piece of me that I can never get back. He was just the type of person that was in my corner when I needed someone to vent to that was never biased but was more so understanding to the transition I was faced with and the direction my life had turned.
Clemency frustrations
I am frustrated with my life, the situation of my life and support system I have. I am sitting here with less than a month in a half to see what President Obama decides to do with me. The clemencies have still been rolling out but I have yet to get my blessing. The process that was set up has been burdened with so many others once they saw the president granting commuted sentences to many that don’t have a decade served, they took it upon themselves to fill out forms given by the prison to try their hand. It’s good for so many but frustrating to individuals like myself who fit the exact criteria and was given a lawyer through the Clemency Project 2014 Initiative. My information has been at the Pardon Attorney’s office for months now, I haven’t been denied but the feeling of nervousness is something I am experiencing every single day. I know everyone wants to go home, that’s only natural. But after serving almost 12 years of a 22½ year sentence, it’s like I am seeing my window slowly closing.
Keeping the faith
I am keeping my faith but as a human being, the stress is weighing on me and affecting me day to day. I don’t know what is in front of me. We change as a person with time. I see things differently now from they way I used to see things. I wonder will I ever get my chance at a new life. I have been in here all of my 30’s, I feel like damaged goods because each year that passes I lose a piece of myself, not willingly. I yearn to experience real love again. I yearn to be able to do the simple things that so many people take for granted. I don’t want to seem like I am feeling sorry for myself but my bad decisions that I made in my younger years have really caught up with me and my heart has really changed through this whole process.
Am I dying a slow death?
I was having a conversation with my celly yesterday, he was like “hey dawg, at least we are still alive.” I stopped reading my magazine (Mindful) and said, “I hear you…but dawg, are we really alive? I mean in the physical we are but every day I don’t feel that way.” I pray and ask God for his forgiveness, I pray and ask God for his sympathy, I ask so many others for the same thing. Only with time and understanding will I ever be able to comprehend as to why I was chosen to bear this burden. I know I am loved by many but even those that once loved me now hate me. Part of it’s due to my incarceration. I ask myself why would so many turn their backs on me during the toughest time in my life? I did do wrong, but I also touched so many.
A society divided
I see our society taking a turn back to the days when we were divided but then I think were we ever together in the first place? I know in here it’s all about the color of your skin and I hate it but it’s the reality of what was put in front of me. I see that being exactly how it is out there. As a people, we are divided. Still, with hope, I try to see the good but nowadays it is being overshadowed by so much bigotry and hate. I see a new administration about to take control and I think about the realities of what has always been and what is going to always be! Will there ever be a time when mistakes are corrected without judgment? When a second chance is truly granted for the better of the good? When communities are affected someone is supposed to take a stand. It’s meaningful and only right but the view I am seeing is that wrongs are always to be overlooked and swept under the rug, I guess if it doesn’t affect you directly it doesn’t matter, sad but true. My days are just days, I am making it but at times I just wonder for how long …