Is you hearing or is you listening to your spouse? Is there a difference between the two? Yes, a big difference. Think back to the last argument you had with your spouse, if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you’ve said the infamous words, “I HEAR YOU!” Of course, this means just that, I hear you and I’m not trying to listen to comprehend anything you’re saying right now. So what’s the difference between hearing and listening, and how do we move from hearing to listening? When we’re hearing, we are simply perceiving sound with our ears. Those sounds equate to the words that we just tune out because our mind is already made up about the situation. When we’re listening, we’re actually paying attention to the words and attempting to make sense of our spouse’s words. So how can we move from hearing to listening?
Check out these five steps to make sure you are listening to your spouse and not just hearing your spouse
- Remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. This is not the NBA Playoffs, no one is keeping score. If you’re not one, you’re working toward becoming one.
- Make eye contact. Give your complete attention. Stop what you’re doing or ask for a time to talk to your spouse so that both of you can have one another’s full attention.
- Stop, look & listen. There is no way you can truly listen to your spouse if you’re constantly talking. Do you understand the words that are coming out of your spouse’s mouth *in my Chris Tucker voice*? Try to open your mind and heart to listen to the words your spouse is speaking. Shhhhh…you may learn something. Pay attention to your partner’s body language. Actively listen by repeating to your spouse what you heard and how you understood what was said.
- You don’t always have to be right! (That’s one of my problems.) More than likely the both of you have the same goal just different paths to get to the goal. Very seldom does the GPS only give us one route.
- Make a conscious effort to use pet names/terms of endearment and to gently touch your spouse during the argument. Spouses can spew words that go straight to your heart and encase it in ice just like a super hero releasing super powers. It’s amazing how a gentle touch or a “just listen baby” during an argument can start to melt that ice box from your spouse’s heart.
Hear with expectancy and listen with intent. Hear expecting to learn the initial problem. Listen intending to solve the problem.