“Things didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do? You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it.” – Life of Pi, pg. 115

Prison relationships are beautifully complicated. Supporting your significant other during their incarceration will come with as many challenges as it does rewards, and the biggest challenge is doubt. From the trials, legal matters, family stress, financial stress, lack of physical affection, and the daily struggles, it can get quite heavy emotionally.

Given the circumstances, I believe that positive, growth filled relationships are possible for inmates and those who love and care for them. During my time as a Prison Wife I have discovered many paths that have helped me heal myself and deal with doubts. I hope these in any way help you and your partner stay strong.

Setting healthy relationship boundaries

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page and understanding of the relationship dynamic that you want. Whether you were with your partner before they went in, or started dating an inmate during their sentence, it is something you both need to be clear on before deepening and maintaining the relationship. Are you going to wait for each other physically and emotionally? Is it an open relationship? By discussing this with your partner you will both be more clear on the relationship and the nature of it. Not everyone is cut out for a prison relationship and that’s okay. Be honest about your needs.

Productively raw, honest communication

Communication is the life line for you both. It is important to communicate your feelings unfiltered. There will be times when you think about leaving, get mad about the past, have a bad day, miss them dearly, need to cry; the list goes on. Whatever it is, don’t hold your feelings back, and be real.

This does not mean roasting your lover and telling them off every time you get frustrated or upset. Your partner is there to support you and listen. It’s so important to recognize that how you speak to each other will make all the difference in your connection. If you’re having a tough talk, take a deep breath before responding. Be okay crying, talking about your doubts, and your fears. Being vulnerable and open will help make you both much closer in the long run.

Take care of yourself

Once your partner is in, you will have emotional support, however it is all you. If you’re just now losing or have lost your lover to the system, be prepared for a grieving period and be open to how you handle it. Journaling, painting, exercise, meditation, time with family and friends that are supportive, hobbies that you may have forgotten about, self education and reading are helpful things to put your energy into. Take this time to re-explore yourself as an individual and have new experiences.

Giving back to yourself gives you the capacity to handle the relationship in hard times. It’s important to note that while lack of physical contact doesn’t define the relationship, it’s a dynamic that you’ll have to learn to properly cope with. Supporting yourself in unique ways that make you feel expressive and connected will give you strength.

Nonjudgemental listening

When you are honest with your partner, it’s important to remember that they will be honest with you too. Prison and jail are not fun places. Your partner will deal with racism, petty threats, unkind correctional officers, bad days at work, bad food, and unwarranted searches on a near daily basis. This is stressful, and whether your partner made a mistake or not it is important to give them a safe space to talk to you. They are in a place where they are constantly stressed, unable to let their guard down. Listening intently and being open to their pain as much as they are to yours will deepen your relationship to each other.

Keeping track of your progress & growth

It’s important to remember where you started and how much you’ve accomplished. When the doubt monster likes to come in and convince me I haven’t made any progress, I check my calendar, read old letters to my lover, or read old entries in my journal. Keeping a planner or bullet journaling are incredible ways to sort your days and remind yourself of just how far you have come from where you once were. Reflection is a powerful tool in recognizing your own abilities.

Write out the doubt

When doubts creeping in, I just pick up a pen and begin writing to my lover. It helps so much to vent and write about the day or whatever is coming up. Often they will understand and empathize with you. Getting the emotions on paper will help empty your mind and make space. You can journal separate from letters if you feel you want to work through a problem yourself. Writing helps you see reoccurring thoughts and patterns, and can help you change or bring awareness to them.

Cherish the little things

I make copies of my letters to my lover so I can go back and read them, and I keep all of his letters sorted and organized, revisiting them when necessary. Special pages from him such as poems, funny magazine clippings, and photos of us together (we are allowed photos where he is currently held) I may put on the wall or keep in sight in a photo album. Often he sends me lists of movies to watch and this gives us something to talk about besides our stressful days, allowing us to laugh and relate on a more joyful level. We read books together and discuss them, and we even listen to songs together during phone calls. Whatever makes you feel closer and more fulfilled, don’t hesitate to do or try it. It will make a world of difference.

Phone calls

Calls can be expensive, but they are priceless. No matter what is happening in my day, when I hear my spouses voice, everything seems to get lighter. Be willing to listen at all times even when you both may be having a bad day. It is worth it to stay on that call and resolve any issues if you have any, and you can help turn each others day around.

Get creative

My lover and I often draw little comics and characters in our letters. Sometimes I get stickers to decorate, or put quotes that inspire me into my letters too. I encourage you to tap into your inner child and have fun in all aspects of your life. You don’t have to be an artist to have creative energy, and it’s a more fun way to let go of stress. In your daily life, you can paint, draw, dance, sing, play music. Explore yourself and what makes you feel happy, and you will discover more tools to handle doubt when it surfaces.

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We are built to handle the ups and downs in life. When things get tough, remind yourself that it’s all going to be okay. The best way to handle life is one day, and one moment at a time. Know that this too shall pass, and that you are a powerful force capable of change, love and growth.